Dreams

I had a nightmare the other night, just before waking, one of those haunting dreams that lingers in recesses of consciousness. In the dream the kids and I were trying to get somewhere on foot, and we had to cross a highway. At first the only means appeared to be running across multiple lanes of speeding traffic, but then some plump older lady in flowing clothes pointed out that there was a pedestrian walkway a little further on. So we trudged over only to find that the pedestrian bridge had no railings. And it was about a 1000 miles up in the air over a cliff. But we started across, me holding the toddler, watching the other kids in front of me. I knew as I watched my five year old that he might fall off, but I had to hold the baby. And sure enough: As the five year old looks toward one side of the walkway, he walks in a diagonal right off the other side of the bridge. I watch him in slow motion go over the edge, flailing and crying, but I am frozen and can do nothing, except think, “I knew this was going to happen.” My older son runs into action and sees that there is a river next to the highway, and it looks like the five yr old is going to fall into the river. My older son figures we can run back down the cliff to rescue him from the water. Just as I finally am able to break free from catatonia and run back to the cliffside to slide down and see if I can pull him from the river, I wake up. In that liminal state I try to relive the dream and fix it: I hold his hand. I catch him before he drifts across the bridge. I am able to swim in the river and pull him out. All kinds of solutions. but for the rest of the day, I am fearful. The dog ran in front of a car. I almost had a panic attack.




I don’t need a psychotherapist to tell me why I had this dream: like all parents, I’m afraid of one of the kids dying, especially this accident prone kindergartner, who is so unhappy at school. I’ve had similar dreams where I am unable to protect all my kids, like one where our GMC slips off the side of a river bank into the water, and I can’t figure out how to get all of the kids out of the car to swim to safety. A dream interpreter would tell me that I’m afraid of drowning under my responsibilities or something like that. I see my children running ahead of me in life, and I can’t help them all.



It’s not only in dreams that I feel powerless to protect them all from accidents and my negligence. It is a condition of motherhood to feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of protecting not only our children’s bodies but also their souls. I realize that I need to trust more in God to protect them, that my limited abilities can only do so much. These dreams suggest I think I can do it all, instead of handing my fears to God.



I also want them to learn to take care of themselves, to become less dependent on me, to stop fighting over who gets to sit next to me at dinner, who gets to crawl into my bed in the morning, who gets to sit next to me on the couch… Too often I react snappily to these petty arguments. I don’t want to sit next to any of them when they are yelling and pushing each other. Lately their pranks and aggression and teasing have worn my patience to the nub. I need their father here to straighten them out.



The Darwins posted a bit ago about how men and women like to berate their spouses when in the company of their own sex. People also like to complain about their children to anyone who will listen. How many blogs are dedicated to detailing the antics of wild children? Years ago I resolved to try not to speak badly about my husband, but lately I’ve been trying not to complain about my children (except to my husband when he calls, and my parents…). The same habit of deception is at play: I end up believing what I say. And I don’t want their last memory of me as they fall off some cliff to be of a screaming mother. Praying for patience and trust.