Difficult decisions

We are coming down from two months of excitement and celebrations. Last week my cousins spent the week with us, and we had a wonderful stay-cation that gave us time to reconnect as a family and to recover from all of the busyness of the previous months. We still had a full week: two birthdays, the Fourth of July, visits from other friends and another set of cousins. But the pace was relaxed, and the kids were mostly happy. Lots of pool and beach time. I loved seeing the four-year-olds, our daughter and our goddaughter, play so happily together. Pictures to come.

The happy week was a welcome break from decision-making. Or perhaps the observation of my cousins' family complicated my choices. I am faced with a decision and self-doubt and haven't found a satisfying solution.

This latest moment of self-doubt is related to another job offer. I re-submitted a few applications a several months ago when I got spooked by the reality of having three kids in college and a rent payment well over our housing allowance.  But financial motives were only part of the reason - pride, ambition, plus a sincere desire to be a part of an academic community sharing in the joys of teaching and learning all contributed to the thought that I might want to go to work. I love being on a campus. I lose track of time reading essays and researching teaching materials. I have daydreamed about having a job and have envied people who are able to go to work and experience the satisfaction of doing a job well. I have more than once confessed to envy, both of my husband and peers, of those who can point to work well done or an achievement they have accomplished. I wonder how the woman almost nominated to be a Supreme Court Justice, Amy Coney Barrett, a mother of seven who was one of my classmates, manages to have a family and a career.

The fact that I had trouble finding time to fill out the application perhaps should have been an indication that maybe now was not the right time to look for a job.

Nonetheless, I got a call last week from a small, Christian, liberal arts school here in San Diego, and went to the interview and then the second interview, and now have an offer to teach a Culture and Literature class on Nature Writing on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10-1145. It's an eight week course that repeats during the semester, so I would teach the same class twice in one semester. That means fewer classes to prep.

If all the kids were in school, I would be turning cartwheels. Teach a class on Nature Writing?! At a small, Christian, liberal arts school?! Yes,  please!! It's a literature-based class, not creative writing, so even though I'm not a specialist in the genre, I have had a special interest in the topic. At one time, I thought I would write a thesis on Wendell Berry and rural literature of the Midwest. I can already envision a reading list, probably starting with a chronological survey - beginning with Aristotle and Genesis, and then addressing Copernicus and Galileo, then jumping up to the Romantics then the Transcendentalists, followed by another jump up to the beginnings of the environmental movement represented by Rachel Carson and maybe Aldo Leopold, and then spending a good chunk of time on contemporary writers.  The challenge would be to keep the reading list to a minimum. And I would assign student presentations to take some of the prep work off of me.

The choice would be simpler if I hadn't just decided a couple months ago to homeschool the four-year-old. If she wanted to go to preschool and I had signed her up, all would be nice and easy. But I went through all that angst a while ago and chose to homeschool her at least another year or so and see how it goes.

Then I spent time with my cousin and her beautiful, happy, well-behaved, homeschooled children.  Other encounters with homeschoolers and the votes of my previously homeschooled children assured me that I should return to a home-based education for our four year old.  My cousin loaned me Sarah MacKenzie's Teaching from Rest, which I devoured in a couple hours. It made me see how essential an eternal perspective is and question my decision to send the other kids to school.

But I also had just finished One Beautiful Dream by Jennifer Fulwiler, which gave me the hope that my desire to work can be balanced with teaching children at home.  I like her perspective that mom's work can be a part of the family mission. She also has a long-term perspective after a revelation that she was living a life "ruled by the tyranny of the immediate." I think that limitation led me to put the kids in school. She has this insight after witnessing a Mexican family enjoying each other's company and getting a family photo after church.

Here is her quote about creative work that identifies some of why, even though teaching would complicate our lives, I have trouble turning down this opportunity: "Being part of the creation of new life was an experience of God. Yet I also felt something similar in my work. It astounded me whenever I considered that only the creatures made in the image of the Creator can create. Among all the animals on earth, humans alone have the gift of creativity -- and, as people had experienced through the millennia, to use this gift is to experience something of God.

"Now I wondered: What if all desires to create -- both with children and with work -- are, in fact, all pointed in the same direction? What if both are different but complementary ways of getting in touch with the ultimate Source of creativity? What if following your God-given passion is not just okay to do during the baby years, but actually something that has the potential to enhance your whole family's life?"

My children also think I should teach at the college. They don't see the conflict. Just find a babysitter. It's only six hours a week. (Plus prep and grading...) Easier said than done.

I have both selfish and idealistic attitudes about teaching at the college. I also have idealistic attitudes about homeschooling, but they are contrasted with very real concerns about the souls and attitudes of my two younger children, whom I sent to school earlier. Would these children be different if they had been homeschooled longer, or would our temperaments have been in conflict? The old nature/nurture question haunts me.

As a parent, I note my failures more than successes. Maybe those words are the wrong choices to use. I liked Mrs. Darwin's recounting of the unique individualities of her children a couple weeks ago. Our kids are all different and unique, and our situation with moving made life complicated for a few years. We know homeschool families whose children have dropped out of college and floundered a bit. My husband reminded me of Mother Angelica's quote that the past is past and we can't change it, so there is no use in regrets, but I still wonder if the decisions we have made have been for the better or worse. For example, we could have chosen the tiny, conservative Catholic school up in North County, but my husband would have an hour commute, and tuition was pricey. Should we have made that sacrifice? I wonder. But disrupting our situation now would cause resentment. The kids like their school, despite my reservations.

Perhaps I can somehow incorporate some of what is best about homeschooling into our home life? Reading aloud more at night? A "Finer Things" night once a month?  (Combining Sarah MacKenzie's suggestion of a family symposium on truth, goodness, and beauty with the humor of "The Office.")  

And I know my own faith life needs to be deepened. My relationship with Christ is often pushed to the side while I focus on a to-do list. Time for prayer and contemplation is rare. I lose track of the centrality of my relationship with Christ - and family - easily. Will finding a creative outlet keep me focused on what is important at home?

Some people have the gift of being able to clearly see what their role in life and responsibilities are.  They are strong in their faith and clear about what is right and wrong. They can make a decision and stick with it. They have principles that guide their decisions, and their actions are in conformity with their beliefs. They don't second-guess everything.  I think I used to be this kind of person. I had a pretty clear picture of what I wanted our family life to look like. I remember going to a retreat based on that book "A Mother's Rule of Life" and filling out worksheets on our family mission. I wish I could find that page now because I feel like I've lost my way a bit.  Dante's "Midway through life's journey I found myself in a dark wood because the straightforward path had been lost" keeps echoing in my mind. 

My husband suggests trying out teaching for a semester. I think he would be happy if I could be content to stay at home. I know it would be hard to start something and then stop. Every morning I wake up wrestling with what to do and every night I go to sleep wrestling with the same questions. I don't feel at peace when I imagine saying no to this opportunity, nor do I feel at rest when I imagine doing it. I'm giving myself one more week to consider the options. May the Lord give me clarity.