Sometimes the number of things that weigh heavily on my mind and on my heart act as a doorstop, blocking the door that lets out the self who gets things done. Instead, I find myself sitting staring into space, or lying in bed too long, or aimlessly straightening piles of papers into new piles that I still don't read. I'm sure not getting enough sleep has something to do with this, but I can't get enough sleep without somehow letting go of these heavy thoughts.
So here is a list of worries - prayer requests perhaps is a kinder way of phrasing it:
For people suffering from cancer - Right now our family is praying for four friends or family members with cancer. One of them has breast cancer that was caught early, and she will be fine. She's had her first surgery, and the doctors determined the cancer is not in her lymph nodes. The other three have heavy doses of chemotherapy in their future, when they are already weak and tired and in pain. My sister-in-law's father is also having surgery to relieve pressure on his brain. My father-in-law was hospitalized after a recent visit with complications from congestive heart failure.
For people suffering the loss or illness of children: A friend who suffered a miscarriage. A friend whose little niece died from a head injury inflicted by a horse. A friend longing for a baby. A friend whose baby is failing to thrive.
For for my own children: I fear for their safety as they learn to bike and learn to drive, weaving through traffic and navigating their ow way, navigating life. They all have sustained minor injuries to their bodies and to their hearts. Two more sons have torn ligaments in their knees - which means two more surgeries. Meanwhile, I also worry perhaps more than they do about the choices they make about their future and effects on their bodies and their souls.
The Spectre Death is always lurking nearby waiting for a victim.
In less physically worrisome news: I have to finish planning a class and finish work on a paper for a presentation. The needs of the household always seem to present themselves more urgently when I have something to get done. Hence the late nights.
I like to blame some of my sleeplessness on this house and the traffic outside our door, which causes a different sort of angst. Motorcycles, trucks, loud music, drunk sailors, and other sounds in the middle of the night prevent a restful slumber. I keep watching the ads for houses to rent and keep my ear open to find out who is transferring, but for one reason or another - price, size, timing, inertia - the opportunity to move to a better location has not arrived. Aside from the noise and congestion from traffic, little things bother me about the house: the toilets run, the pool is green with algae again, even this late in the season, horn worms are eating my plants, the windows are grimy, the showers moldy, the screens black with pollution so that I fear for our health. I try to feel love for this house, and I do feel a fondness for it occasionally, but then something breaks or the pool goes green. Have I mentioned I will never own a pool?
Then there is the general tiredness caused by middle-aged physical changes -- achy joints, new gray hairs and wrinkles, sore feet and back. All the signs point to the physical decay of being halfway through life or more, though I still don't want to admit it - and I still worry about getting pregnant.
'A different kind of angst descends when I read or listen to the news. Gloom! Doom! Spooky times!
October has arrived. Autumnal colors are not especially noticeable here in southern Californa, but the sense of loss and passing time - shorter daylight hours? foggy mornings? - is compounded this time of year. Now that I have exorcised these demons by writing them out, perhaps the spirits can rest instead of haunting the nights...
A Waffle Making Dad
17 hours ago
