New Year's thoughts

Happy Feast of St. Thomas Aquinas! It is a fitting day to send young people back to college. Our third just left for his second semester of junior year. Our second left for school last week - the last time we'll drop him off for school as he headed off for his second semester of his fifth year. He was actually going to Charleston before heading to South Bend because he is doing some research for his thesis project, which is designing a school for the traditional building arts in South Bend, similar to the one he went to visit in Charleston.  He returned to campus after all his travels and got his negative Covid test, once again reassuring us that air travel is relatively safe.  Thomas is his middle name. Today is a good day to ask St. TAq to guide their footsteps and to pray for all of these college students to have a great semester, to seek wisdom and understanding, and to learn to do all with charity. 

Other updates: Our fourth child is still home for the semester. Her school in Los Angeles is saying students might come back halfway through second semester, but she now has a routine with her online classes, a regular babysitting gig, and a job folding and delivering laundry at the laundromat, so she is saying she wants to wait and start fresh in the fall. I love having her around, so that decision is welcome. I already miss having the older boys around after their extended break. They are pleasant company now; they actually want to sit around the table after dinner and chitchat.  We have certainly eaten well with all the cooks in the kitchen, as well! 

Kids 5 and 6 are still doing high school online, although next week they will go back to school one day a week. Finally. Although I am frustrated with the teachers' unions who somehow, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still argue that schools are unsafe, when in fact, even Atlantic Monthly is publishing articles saying that schools aren't super-spreaders.  And while the unions refuse to return to school out of false fear - or hope of some gain? - teen suicides are up, child abuse is up, media use is way up, and learning is down.  I am frustrated by all the media, but I like having the kids home. I think I would pick some kind of hybrid learning if I had my first choice.  Two or three days a week of challenging in person learning and 2 or 3 days of homework. 

And number 7? - still easy peasy. She actually likes doing school work. I just ordered a bunch of new workbooks and coloring books because she is happy to do them. I have to sit close by for her to do math and writing, because she doesn't like to make mistakes. I probably should let her make more, but she falls to pieces if she spells something wrong. Other than that, she's doing great. She reads well independently and likes to read. And she LOVES having her big siblings around. She was in tears all morning when her third brother left this morning. 

So today feels like the end of Christmas vacation for real, even though I have been teaching online for three weeks already. This is a five week version of the Nature writing class I taught last year. I trimmed the reading list, replaced some selections, and based on the recommendations of another professor, decided to teach just one day synchronously. Three weeks in, it is too late to add an extra day, but I wish I had two days a week for synchronous learning - it would give more time for discussion and lecture. As it is, we are always running out of time, and I feel rushed to cover material.  I also wish I had scheduled a final instead of two papers. It would give students more motivation to do the reading.  I do feel they are doing a good job doing some of the reading and discussion boards, but  I would prefer a slower pace for our synchronous days.

What I am trying to get at is resolutions! Did I make any? Sort of... I resolved to think of something positive about the day to come each morning before I get out of bed. And get more sleep and more water, as usual - the two fitness goals I never accomplish. I did do a little more weight lifting thiI also want to keep my joints healthy this year. Tendonitis or bursitis in my knee and a calf strain have kept me from running lately - and from shedding the Christmas goodie weight ... 

When I went to look at my resolutions last year, I almost laughed.  Here is what I wrote: 

And now for the traditional New Year's resolution post - what to look forward to in 2020?  When we were talking at dinner about our one best memory of 2019  - even one best thing per month - it was hard to decide. We did a lot of traveling and hosting this year, which must be why even though we have fewer kids at home, we feel just as busy.  I'm hoping 2020 has a slower pace, time to savor the good things.  One of my resolutions is to make photo books - or at least print photos and put them in albums, so we can enjoy them. Part of the fun of travel and adventure is enjoying the memories, and we haven't had time to do that as much. Poor LK loves to look at old photos, but we have so few printed of her life (although she has been photographed more than any of our other children.).

So action item for 2020 - print photos.

My son did print some photos for me - as a Christmas present. A start to a very big job. Another goal was make more memories together. We did get a couple trips in mentioned below, before Dan when to UAE and Covid broke out, and a couple camp-outs, a few hikes, the getaway to Palm Desert, and the quick trip to see the grandparents in OKC. 

Admittedly, however, we are already planning a few trips: one in February for Junior parents' weekend in South Bend, although in this case it is to attend "Expo Roma" for our fourth-year architecture son.  And we are going to visit Pepperdine and Westmont College in late January and February with our senior daughter as she makes college decisions.  

My son did print some photos for me - as a Christmas present. A start to a very big job. We did get these two trips in, before Dan when to UAE and Covid broke out. But that helped me achieve THIS resolution:

So what else? One of the themes that kept coming up during Advent this year was relinquishing control and giving up criticism (which often results during moments when things are out of control). Our priest said in a homily about joy in Advent that the opposite of joy is control.  That cut close. The reflection the sister gave at the retreat I attended spoke about embracing our life as it is, not as we wish it would be - the temptation of wishing things were otherwise. And then in the homily on the Feast of the Holy Family, the priest at the church we were visiting preached about being as kind to our family as we are to strangers, in other words, loving our family for who they are so that we don't discourage each other, as the letter from Paul instructs.  For book club I've been reading Colleen Carroll Campbell's The Heart of Perfection, which contains another message about control.  The message seems pretty clear - control less, love more.

Everyone got a little help in relinquishing control! Still working on this part about using more positive reinforcement, but I have given more hugs - even though physical touch is not my love language either. ...

Since these researchers found that it takes four good interactions to counteract one negative event, I think I need to hearken back to the advice of those relationship experts who recommend paying out more compliments than criticisms, an action that is not native to me.  I'm not much good at the "words of affirmation" love language, but I hereby resolve to engage in more positive reinforcement than negative words.
...
So my spiritual goal is to note the beauty and goodness around me and let my family know more often that I see those qualities in them.

This next goal did NOT happen - unless you count online shows. We watched more streaming shows than ever. 

Another family goal - attend some plays or concerts.  

Although family viewing time grew, family prayer time declined. This is a real sorrow. I still get a decade in with the 6 year old, but I miss the regularity of prayer time with the older kids. I hereby resolve to make this happen during Lent. 

As for academic goals, I did write another paper for a conference. And I am looking into one for this year, and a review. I am so far behind. I need to remind myself of this little gem:  

I need to learn to write faster, and that good enough is good enough - no need to be perfect, a desire for which prevents any writing from getting done.

Our biggest goal this year is discerning the path our future will take outside of the Navy. This decision is going to color the rest of the year. I'm feeling a little mournful about losing some of the perks. Retirees still get a number of privileges - shopping at the commissary, staying at the Navy Lodge, flying Space A. But we will no longer be a part of the community. There will be no one to welcome us at the next "duty station."  It's time - every day my husband comes home to share some frustration at work - but we need to get a handle on a goal or purpose for this next stage. 

So that is a good goal - calm, collected discussion about the future. Not always as easy as it sounds. 2. Family prayer time + plenty of hugs and positive reinforcement 3. More academic writing? or a new job? 4. Sleep, water, stretch 5. Wake up with a positive thought. 

Seeing as 2021 is a month in, I'm behind already - but slow and steady! 

Next post: reading round-up!

A Moment of Silence

Christmas is officially over.  I started taking down our decorations today after we feasted on chicken cacciatore and a buche de Noel for dessert (recipe inspired by the kids' aunt's instagram post and Martha Stewart).  We chalked the doorway after dinner on Sunday, so yesterday felt a little anticlimactic. I think I'll leave the nativity up a few more days, but the tree is down, and the lights are off.  

I should comment that our day was marked by anxious alerts to the news, but it wasn't. We did school in the morning, and then I met some friends at the dog beach for coffee and a dog playdate. Very Californian. I was oblivious to the news most of the day, although one of my friends was getting texts from her husband with updates.  Without pictures or details, the snippets he passed on seemed minor. The security guards will take care of it, we assumed. But at dinner last night, I heard more details from my better informed children and husband about the mob breaching the Capitol and the belated police response and the unbelievable remarks by the president. Not having watched any videos of the event, there is a part of me that still finds it hard to believe that the incident was as bad as the news on the radio today made it sound - with comparisons to coups in El Salvador and predictions about the end of western civilization.  But I also can't believe that people actually believe that the election was rigged and that Trump won the election.  I can't believe that a LOT of people believe that. I can't believe that people still actually support Trump after this. Surely, surely this catastrophe will conclusively end any chance he may have of running again in the future - although it seems common sense is not always common.  This is certainly proof that the echo chambers of the internet have dire consequences. 

Part of my oblivion to current events is because I have been working on my syllabus for a short course in Nature Lit that starts next week - yikes! - and came across the news that both William Kittredge and Barry Lopez passed away in December, Lopez on Christmas day, like my grandfather. I am only passing familiar with Kittredge's work, but Lopez is a favorite.  I usually have one of his essays in my syllabus, but one of my favorite pieces by him is an essay he wrote for Notre Dame Magazine - which perhaps explains my fondness for him. In it, he mentions a priest who mentored him and encourages the students of ND, students with many privileges, to make use of their gifts to help others. A simple reminder, but one that bears repeating.  My husband and I have given back to the community with small acts of service and hospitality and by trying to live out our vocations of leading and teaching, but our efforts often seem inconsequential. Isn't this often the case? Is it an excuse to focus on small acts with great love, as St. Teresa of Calcutta and St. Therese of Lisieux enjoined, or are we called to make greater sacrifices? 

A thorough account of his life and writings can be found at The New York Times. 

And heartfelt comments by his widow were posted on his website here. She mentions the optimism with which he greeted each day. I would like to mimic that optimism in this new year - I have thought that one of my resolutions would be to awake and think of something to be grateful for the day before and something to look forward to in the day ahead. 

As we go forward into the new year, I am thinking about other ways we can give back, especially as we make choices about our next stage in life.  

And if the end of western civilization is at hand, I hope it arrives before we have to make our difficult decisions about what to do next, so that the choice is obvious and no hearts are damaged in the process.

What I did for my Christmas Vacation

Happy Epiphany! Or Happy 10th Day of Christmas! We celebrated yesterday with the church, although I didn't feel quite ready, and we kind of surprised the kids with it. Surprise! The Three Kings have been here! Of  course, only one small person in this house believes in Santa and the Three Kings and other magical visitors, and her belief in them is tenuous as she hears her siblings talk about returning and exchanging their gifts. But she hasn't quite lost the magic. I have sometimes wished we were one of those families who doesn't do Santa Claus because it would make it easier for me to buy gifts, but then again I love the delight and magic. The kids sometimes do get their Christmas wishes - this year's requests: air pods, kitchen knives, a GPS watch, fancy shoes, art supplies, and a swing. 

All month I thought about sitting down and sharing some thoughts on what I was reading, what we were doing, what was going on in the world, but time for musing has been slim, what with end of the term grading, Christmas shopping, cards, and the arrival of the college kids home.  Because our travel was limited this year (except the trip to OKC, which now, three weeks out, continues to be blessedly without illness) and because we had no Christmas parties, no Christmas concerts or performances, no cookie exchanges, no Church events, no extra gift exchanges, I felt like we had  more time to do family things, although those, too, were limited to walking around the neighborhood to look at lights, playing games, and watching a lot of TV together (mostly the Chef show and Broadchurch, plus the regular Christmas movies).  I did join with some of our little kid friends to carol around the block - although I think this was illegal. And we took a couple of hikes and met up with the cousins for a beach picnic that included a turkey cooked in the air fryer, squash and potatoes roasted on the campfire, and a delicious salad. A beach Christmas dinner. The cousins went home after sunset, but we stayed to camp in the only torrential downpour all year.  The boys ended up sleeping in the car, but the tent the girls and I were in only leaked a little around the edges. Proof of a good tent - this one is the Hobbitat from REI. 

We have also done more than our fair share of eating - the kids have been in a pseudo competition for who has the best kitchen skillz.  We have had home made bao dumplings and sushi - thanks to a friend who shared her deep sea catch - and homemade boba, complemented by mochi and kimchi from the Asian grocery.  I had just watched "Sweet Bean" with LK, which was a sweet Japanese film, a bit slow moving, about a dorayaki chef and the old woman who comes to help him with his red bean paste filling, so they also bought some prepackaged dorayaki.  Then we have had several smoked meat dinners: smoked tri-tip, smoked ribs, a smoked turkey. For Christmas dinner, we had prime rib. Homemade pasta was another feast. Add to these rich dinners, a large array of Christmas sweets, both made by our kids or shared by neighbors.  The new year should be time to cut back on these riches. 

I did want to sum up some reading over the past month - despite the full schedule, I did finish a number of books, possibly because they were plot driven quick reads and because I was helped by PMS insomnia and a need for a brain break after reading fifty-five first year composition research papers.  But now I am out of time. More in another post. 

Caroling

Christmas masks 

A "hike" around the neighborhood

God's Christmas lights

The owner of Funco Pop's house

Christmas Eve feast - dessert first! Pies for all

All the lights lit for Christmas dinner

The obligatory stairs photo

Thanks, Santa.

Fancy china for prima rib. Thankful for kids who help set out and wash the good stuff.

Legos for everyone.

A new swing! These have popped up around the neighborhood since the parks closed, and are happily shared when they hang near the side walk. 

Lots of beach time.

Christmas beach time with the cousins.

Forced Family Fun and Fitness. hashtag F to the 4th.

Unforced family fun - old classics coming back around. Pictured here: Mousetrap. Also played; Coronadopoly, Telestrations, and new Life. 

And eat!

 

Prepare the way

Tonight we'll have all nine of us under one roof again for the first time in a while - July?  Holiday jollity will ensue, to an extent.  Our plans for Christmas are subdued, like everyone else's. We'll go to Mass outside on Christmas Eve in the early evening - no midnight Mass.  We'll open lots of presents on Christmas morning, we'll watch some Christmas movies and eat lots of Christmas treats, and then we'll have a big feast on roast beast before sharing desserts with our friends whom we've seen regularly throughout - our quaranteam friends, or whatever cute name you want to call the people you feel safe gathering with.  I've resisted offering invitations to anyone (although I've been tempted and have considered ways to gather safely in the back yard with small groups - book club was gathering until this month because CA went back in the purple tier, and it's getting too dark and chilly to sit outside).  We obviously haven't had any work Christmas parties, or school Christmas concerts, or Church Christmas events.  I actually have the shopping done early. And Christmas cards are ready to go except for a few I mean to put notes in.  

To capture a bit of the Christmas spirit we have walked around the neighborhood in the early evenings to view the lights. We looked at the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn - but you can see better photos elsewhere. We've made and eaten  lots of cookies and delivered some to friends in the neighborhood. We've decorated our house and lit the Advent wreath, eaten the chocolates in the calendar, set out some of the Jesse tree pieces -more than usual, and had some feasts in honor of saints - but mainly because the kids wanted to try out new recipes and have an excuse to go to the Asian grocery and the Mexican mercado and the Italian market.  Having bored young adults around has kept us well fed. 

I hesitate to admit, but record here in the interest of our family record, that we did do something risky and probably unwise, but escaped unscathed. We took a trip to see my in-laws, whom we hadn't seen in 18 months. I had purchased the tickets at the end of October when cases were down and things were opening up, and the tickets were dirt cheap.  My thinking was that travel would be light between Thanksgiving and Christmas, although that reasoning didn't take into account the number of people who travel to ski destinations.  As the date of our trip approached and coronavirus cases began to skyrocket around the nation, I grew more and more apprehensive. We called the in-laws to cancel and offered to postpone our trip, but the grandparents were encouraging, and my husband didn't want to disappoint them. And the college kids who came home after Thanksgiving were encouraging. They had just returned from a campus of about 12,000 that had just under 2,000 cases over the semester. A large number, but according to them, the people who caught the virus (I almost wrote "got sick" but many of them weren't sick) were those who went to parties or hung out in each others' rooms without masks. The mask wearers/distancers rarely were infected. So they trusted the protocols.  As did my husband who goes to work every day with thousands of other service members who are compelled to follow government regulations. His command has had a handful of cases, but all were transmitted outside of work.  So he, too, trusted the protocols of masking, distancing, and washing hands.

Since what is in motion stays in motion unless a stronger opposing force halts the forward movement, we went on our trip.  In preparation, we cut off what few social events we have - walks around the neighborhood, meeting for coffee, beach trips with friends for the kids - and other than my husband going to work and trips to the grocery store, we quarantined for about ten days and got tested; all were negative.  The airports and planes were more crowded than I had expected, but 99% of people wore their masks and kept their distance.  Of course, the couple in front of me had to be reminded more than once by the stewardess to cover their noses and to keep their little girl's mask up, so they had me anxious the whole time. During our layover we went to the USO and stayed in a corner until our next flight.  But I was still a nervous wreck.  

Once we arrived at my in-laws, I tried to be mindful and reminded the kids to wash their hands frequently and watch their spacing. We did hug a few times, but I am afraid I was not especially warm company.  Our visit was only four days, and we spent them at my in-laws' house, playing games, watching movies, playing Nerf wars. We had a Thanksgiving/Christmas dinner one day.  On our fourth day, a beautiful, wet snow fell all night long. It blanketed the yard about 4 inches deep by the time we awoke. Our youngest was ecstatic, and the olders excited.  It was the perfect snow for snowman making and snowball fights, so the whole family bundled up the minimal winter gear we had brought or that Gram had stashed away and ran out for a rousing snowball fight.  When the snow was still falling after lunch, my husband began to pace and our fourteen year old, who already has a phobia about flying, began to whimper about plane delays and crashes.  But our 7 pm flight left on time, not quite as full, and our return trip was safe and uneventful.

A couple days after we got home, we all got tested again.  Negative x7. (Our oldest in Arizona couldn't go, and my husband didn't test because of different protocols.) I breathed a little easier, and now that it has been two weeks since our return I am even more at ease. I am a little sorry I wasn't more affectionate during our visit, but I am not writing this to encourage people to travel.  Our experience does give me more faith in the safety claims of airlines, but the numbers continue to rise, and just because we escaped the bullet this time doesn't mean we would the next time.  

I'd like to offer some better meaningful reflection on our trip, but I've got to finish those cards and say good morning to my children.  I've written and deleted a few sentences about my thoughts about this trip but I can't quite articulate what.  I'd like to think of something in the Christmas spirit to do today, but one wants to go to the DMV for a driver's permit test today. I don't know if I can manage it today, but sooner than I am ready, we'll have 5 licensed drivers in the family.  I wonder if I will ever be quite ready for Christmas, and life... 

A neighbor's Christmas fountain planting

 

Lights around the 'hood

Modelling a new dress made by our neighbor

 

Snow! The first morning tracks...

Oliver

The yard post-snowball war

One of many feasts - chicken parmesan

Tree decorating

At least one person is still exciting about St. Nicholas day

Handknit sweater concocted by college son done with school and ready to create

Week 1 - how did 3 more weeks pass so quickly? 

A quiet evening on the beach. 

 

Short reviews

 Happy First Sunday of Advent! 

Already, yikes!  I'd like to post something thoughtful about preparing for Christ, but I'm feeling unmoved by the traditional reflections. They are ringing a bit stale - is this what happens after years of repetition or is the weariness the result of too many thoughtful social media posts urging people to be nice and good?  

Granted, I'm a little grumpy after being corrected twice in as many days by the citizen police around here. Yesterday it was the little old lady yelling out her car window that we need to stop at stop signs on our bikes.  Yes, yes, I know bikers are supposed to follow the rules of the road, and I usually do slow down significantly on my bike at stop signs.  Yesterday we were guilty of what I would call a "California right turn at a stop" instead of a California stop - we turned right after slowing, instead of after making a complete stop. Meanwhile the geriatric volunteer virtue policewoman was doing some sort of slow U Turn in the intersection - equally dangerous, I might claim. 

Today my crime was letting the puppy walk on the grass alongside the sidewalk in the park where "NO DOGS ALLOWED" is clearly posted. I know dogs aren't allowed in this park. I edged off the sidewalk because an old man was approaching, and I was talking to my aunt on my phone while I was walking the dog, so my mask was down.  I was walking in the grass next to the sidewalk because I was trying to give this guy a wide berth so he wouldn't think I was spluttering Covid germs on him, but instead he yelled at me three times, "No dogs in the park! No dogs in the park! No dogs in the park!" Geez. I was obviously walking the dog on by and not playing in the park. And anyway, I was close enough to the sidewalk that I was probably technically still in the public right of way and not in the park.  Now that I think of it, he wasn't wearing a mask as he yelled at me - if I weren't talking to my aunt, maybe I would have pointing that out to him: "Wear a mask! Wear a mask! Wear a mask!"

I know this sounds like a spoiled tweenager rant.  I understand their outrage. I have been equally irritated by scofflaws myself.  And it is proof that I need to read those Advent reflections and actually reflect on them and amend my response appropriately.  Really, I do feel sorry for these castigators. I know the self-righteous anger that wells up when others get away with something that inhibits my freedom or interrupts my peace of mind. That anger occurs when I am feeling cheated or duped or somehow betrayed or when my self worth is shriveled. 

The truth is that no exterior changes are possible without interior conversion. And that conversion is a daily commitment. How is it that again I am listening to defensive voices in my head when I thought I had learned detachment?  How is it that I am again nursing some wound from a slight more imagined than real when I thought I was becoming more forgiving? How is it that I am again seeking creature comforts and evidence of achievement and progress when I know these desires only lead to emptiness, disappointment, and envy? 

And so let us light the candle and pray for hope that our sins will be forgiven and we will someday use the grace we have been given to love our difficult neighbors.

Perhaps the best Advent reflection of the day came from the movie I finally watched last night with the youngest and from a book review I stumbled across on Touchstone's website. The movie was Sweet Bean, a Japanese movie I checked out from the library weeks ago. It is way overdue, but our library isn't collecting fines right now.  No one in the house but me was interested in watching it, so I kept it, waiting for a night when I had time to watch a movie, and the TV was free.  The 6 year old watched it with me, and although the themes were mature, it contained nothing objectionable.  It was quiet and slow, so I thought she would get bored, but she is sensitive (did I mention how she bawled watching Cheaper by the Dozen a couple weeks ago?) and enjoyed cuddling with me, so she watched the whole thing.

Spoilers ahead; The story follows Sentaro, a dorayaki chef, who glumly makes the pancakes filled with sweet bean paste in a tiny shop for customers who are primarily school girls and the occasional passerby. One day when the cherry blossoms are blooming profusely outside the shop, an old woman arrives and offers to work for Sentaro. At first he refuses because of her age, but after multiple visits from her, he finally agrees to let her work after she delivers some of her sweet been filling. It's deliciousness transports him.  When the word gets out about the new recipe, the shop begins to see a line of customers all day. But it turns out the shop's actual owner finds about that Tokue has spent all of her life in the leprosy sanitorium until it recently opened its gates.  It turns out Sentaro has been working to repay a debt after he has been in prison for hurting someone in a fist fight. Somehow the news about Tokue's disease gets out, and the customers all go away. Tokue returns to the sanitorium, and Sentaro mourns her and the business for weeks. One of the school girls, another misfit, finally convinces Sentaro to go and visit Tokue because she has to give away her canary, and she wants to give it to the old woman. The two of them visit Tokue at the sanitorium, where they meet her friend with whom she learned to cook. Their circumscribed existence exudes beauty and joy because of their friendship and the food they have shared. The reason Tokue's bean paste is so good is because she listens to the beans and takes her time, talking to them as she cooks. The next time Sentaro and the school girl (Wakana?) go to see Tokue, she has died of pneumonia, but she left them a tape recorded message. In this message she muses about how everything has a story and everyone's life has meaning; no one has to be anyone special. This is the secret that has made Tokue a cheerful, grateful old woman, who appreciated all the simple pleasures and surprises in life.  Existence is its own gift. The filmmaker shares Tokue's vision by letting the camera dwell on wind rustled cherry blossoms, on blowing leaves, running water, bubbling bean paste, sizzling pancakes.  It's a lovely little film, not at all the romance I expected from the summary on the box. I have thought about keeping it another week to force the kids to watch it, but I'm afraid I really should turn it in, and they have refused time and again. I can easily check it out and sneak it on again...

The book review that offered insight was for a book called The Squire by Enid Bagnold. I haven't read it, but I put it in my thriftbooks cart. It's the story of a 40+ year old wealthy Englishwoman birthing her fifth child while her husband is away in India on business. Bagnold, author of National Velvet, apparently worked on it for years as she birthed her own four children. She apparently wanted to write a book that realistically portrayed the experience of childbirth. According to the Touchstone review, the book gives a positive portrayal of large family life. Some other reviewers criticized it because The Squire (the woman takes her husband's title while he is gone) has servants and money that make large family life easier than it is for most, but I appreciated the excerpt that suggested that she took satisfaction in her ability to give birth and mother children - a vocation that rooted and grew as she aged.  The most difficult part of being a parent of a large family - aside from the physical and emotional burdens mothers carry for and with their children - is the perception that mothers of large families are odd or half crazy or religious zealots, which may sometimes be the case, but that doesn't leave space for the fact that each child can multiply a mother's heart, can bring more light into the world, if received as a gift and not a curse. Not to minimize the struggles of parenting with this sentimental statement - perhaps I should say that every child multiplies the love and the swords that pierce a mother's heart.  It can be hard to find support in parenting a large family because of the fear that others will think we deserve the struggle for the folly of having more than two or three children.  Happily, there are friends willing to help who countermand the judgement of strangers. Not sure where I'm going with this, other than I look forward to reading a book about a mother who is confident and excited to welcome a fifth baby into her life even at her advanced maternal age, 

The other book I just finished was Brit Bennet's bestseller The Mothers. Bennet is a San Diego native, and the Oceanside community features strongly in the book. It's the story of a young Black teenager, Nadia Turner, who has a scholarship to study at U of Michigan. After her mother inexplicably commits suicide, she hooks up with her pastor's son and gets pregnant. The pastor's wife gives her son the money for Nadia to get an abortion. That all happens early in the book, so it's not really a spoiler. The rest of the book explores the relationships between Nadia, Luke (the pastor's son), her father, her friend Aubrey, and the people of the Upper Room Fellowship. The choices Nadia and Luke make that summer haunt them the rest of their lives. The book doesn't necessarily condemn abortion, but it certainly allows space for an abortion to affect - if not haunt - the people who were involved. It's a sad book, one in which people either say too much or too little to one another.  And although I would call it a hard book to read, it's also a page turner - I was craving something like this to get lost in as a reward for grading papers all last week. 

Now I have to go back to grading the final papers of the term. I'm distracted by Cyber Monday deals, even though I stayed up way too late last night trying to please all the faces who appear in our annual Christmas card photo by finding a picture that everyone likes.  Ironically, after taking votes and wasting hours on that project because there was NO consensus between the three photos that have all 7 kids in them, I realized while checking out that it is cheaper to order more prints that less, so I ordered 100 extra of all three poses, and SAVED money. How is it cheaper to buy 200 cards than 100? Not just cheaper by the print - but overall. So now I've got plenty of extras coming! And my daughter with the good handwriting heading home tomorrow to address the envelopes...

Giving thanks

I started this a few days ago, and now Thanksgiving is here. We are a small group - just the three youngest are home. And they are a bit mopey, admittedly. They miss the crowd; we all do, but I'm glad they are sharing the feast with family.  The college kids are all at their grandparents, while our oldest is roasting a chicken with his fiancee for Thanksgiving. It has been a quiet day, but we all are healthy, and soon we will are be together. I'm grateful for the calls from the big kids and the photos they are sharing of their roasted birds and fall ambles around their neighborhoods.  And we've had a fun morning here: Mass, pie making, a walk to the beach, a few rounds of Just Dance on the Wii, more baking, a few chores; soon we'll be sitting down to eat, grateful for a slow day together. 

Thoughts from Tuesday morning:

The holidays are drawing near, and I am EXCITED! I am very nearly done with one of my toughest semesters ever, my big kids are coming home soon, and I've got a real hankering to hunker down with them and share warm drinks and books, or popcorn and movies, and conversation or games or whatever they want to do.  I am so grateful that my kids are growing into young adults with whom I like spending time. If they don't want to get jobs and just want to live at home in the basement, I don't really mind, as long as they do laundry and dishes and scrub their own toilet and shower - and take turns cooking. I have one fantasy future life where my husby and I buy a little Winnebago, and we drive around and take turns living in their driveways, and my other future fantasy life is that we find a big mountain lake home with a great wrap-around front porch and a fishing pier, and they all take turns coming to live with us.  

But right now I am grateful we don't have to split our time between spending hours with them and spending hours prepping for hosting Christmas parties or getting dressed up and going to parties. 

Don't get me wrong; I love a good party. I love getting dressed up. And I am really sad that my husband's last year in the Navy is during this Covid pandemic because there will be no last Christmas wardroom party, no last Seabee ball, no last dining out... I picked up a new cocktail dress last year at the end of the season, and now I have no place to wear it! What if he never gets to wear his dress blues again? (which are really black) Will I ever see him in his Seabee tartan tie and cummerbund, bee buttons, and OK City Seal cufflinks again? Woe. 

BUT back to pandemic plusses: one party a season is enough for me, and some years we have multiple parties. And as much as I like the idea of hosting holiday events, they wear me out and leave me anxious about party faux pas (a sign that despite a busy social calendar, at heart I am an introvert). I love the Covid version of hospitality: a couple friends stop by on their evening walk while we are sitting on the front porch watching the sun set with our pre-dinner glass of wine, and they join us on the porch - outside, six feet apart, of course.  This has happened only a couple of times in reality, but in my faulty memory, it may grow into a legend of frequency. 

What does our holiday really look like this year?  My husband came home from the grocery on Sunday afternoon and cheerfully announced he bought the smallest turkey he could find. We did not plan before he went to the store, so my first response, was "Oh no, why?!"  I want leftovers! Since it was so cheap ($5 for 13 lbs at the commissary - not an organic, farm raised bird), I sent him back for another one. 

He bought this tiny turkey because we are only going to have 3 children at home for the Thanksgiving meal. The college kids will return just after spending the holiday with their grandparents, and the oldest in Arizona will be home for Christmas. He had planned to come here and go to my brother-in-law's with us, but because of the recent surge, we all are staying put.  His work has instituted a 2 week work from home policy for anyone who leaves the state.  He'll do that after Christmas. 

So for now our dinner will be petite. We may include our daughter's friend and her mom, who have been a part of our "bubble" since the beginning of the pandemic, but they haven't responded yes or no, yet. I think they are waiting to hear from their older sons to see what if they will return or not. We still intend to make all the dishes except stuffing - mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potato casserole, corn pudding, cranberry relish,  homemade dinner rolls, the turkey and something green - probably brussel sprouts. We'll still make three pies: pumpkin, cherry, and apple, because not much is better than pie for breakfast.  And we've got a bottle of prosecco and some good cheese for the pre-meal snack, and some decent wine and Martinelli's for dinner. We'll feel festive and full. 

And I'm happy to have had the opportunity to do some good deeds this past week, also. The kids and I helped fill Thanksgiving boxes for a local school for homeless students, and we helped pick up leftover donated Halloween candy from various schools for the orphanage in Tijuana our church serves.  It will be distributed with other gifts. I have mixed emotions about the value of donating Halloween junk food, but joy comes in many forms. I finally got around to sending some overdue wedding and new baby gifts, made a dinner for a friend who is sick, and wrote a few thank you notes for past kindnesses. In between having the opportunity and the ability to serve, the time to give, and the generosity of others to recognize, we are feeling very grateful. 

This won't be the most memorable Thanksgiving, but in some ways we feel more aware of how very blessed we are to be healthy, safe, well fed, and loved. We pray for those whose struggles make this day a difficult one, whether they are alone or just lonely, ill, hungry, cold, homeless, struggling with mental, physical, or financial problems, or weighed by grief and anxiety. Whatever their burdens may be, may God be with them. 

November feasts

Happy feast of All Souls and a belated Feast of All Saints!  Our celebration was marked by eating lots of candy left over from Halloween, which conveniently fell on a Saturday before Fall Back time changes.  What could have been a great excuse to have a late night party was just a good excuse to watch scary movies past midnight. (Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Slayer, anyone? Sorry, Abe, I couldn't stay awake to see how your honesty might be tested, and I forgot to ask the kids how it ended. The kids also watched the original Ghostbusters, which is the inspiration for some cute little kid costumes for the DIY crowd, but I wonder how many of those littles will be begging to watch the film before they are old enough to overlook the innuendoes...) 

To mark the holy days, we pulled out some coloring pages and lit a candle with saint stickers on it. Usually I set up the photos of the great-grandparents and line up our selection of pewter saints on the table. Maybe tomorrow... Our pewter saint selection contains patrons of each of the kids' name saints and most of their confirmation saints, but St. Elizabeth of Hungary was sold out this year. I waited months before finally contacting the company and asking for a refund.  They offered to send one of those cheap plastic saint statues painted by machines that miss the exact placement of the eyes and lips, but I declined. 

We actually did have a festive brunch with homemade cinnamon rolls that didn't quite complete their second rise. Our oldest came home for the weekend - well, he stopped in at the house as a rest stop on the way to and from visiting his friend in Ventura whose first baby was baptised this weekend. Almost like a grandbaby! The baby was born a couple weeks ago, but I haven't sent a gift yet. I have about 5 different books in the cart, but can't decide which ones to send.  Do you like to send books as baby gifts? Do you have a favorite go-to baptism gift for a young Catholic family? I'm thinking A for Altar to read and appreciate now and The Clown of God to appreciate later, but I like some of the newer baby board books out right now. Such pretty designs! We often send Richard Scarry's Best Storybook Ever as a baby gift, so I might send that, too, along with a stuffed lion in honor of the baby's name. Richard Scarry never gets old. 

For dinner tonight we ate baked chicken tenders that looked like bone fingers - as close to pan de muerto as we got.  I forgot about making it, partly because I spent all day talking to students in Zoom conferences. While these conferences have been the highlight of the semester, they have drained my days and my energy.  I met with some students in person one day on campus, masked and sitting across a six-footish table.  It was truly a delight to see them in person and talk to them instead of looking at their distracted faces or avatars on Zoom.  And it was a thrill to be on campus. The school where I teach is located right on the coast, along a cliff that overlooks a favorite surfing spot. People come to this school for the view.  We could easily hold class outside almost every day of the year, but it would be a bit distracting on a warm day to watch the surfers crest the waves below. 

Although I found the conferences to be really fruitful and a great way to give the students a chance to talk freely, they took up four entire days. Now I am behind on everything, grading, laundry, planning, dishes, teaching the first grader, motivating the high schoolers, exercising, making special feast day treats -- you name it.  Oh well. The end of the semester is three weeks away, plus an additional week for finals, which I hardly count. I'll be ready for a pause.  I've a big stack of books to read, after all the holiday prep is done... or the Covid Christmas version of holiday prep. The Christmas card letter will be short this year.

This week is full of big events, right? Tomorrow we can stop being confronted with election ads, even if the election decision continues to be postponed to count straggler mail in ballots.  Our church is holding a day of adoration and prayer for peace. I've signed up for an hour to pray for peace, for an end to the pandemic, and for all the people and things on my prayer list, even though I won't be praying for either candidate to win, and will instead be praying for peace in our hearts and peace in the whole world. 

I know my position as a conscientious objector to this election is not popular - I have been told by people on both sides that my refusal to vote is actually a vote for their opponent - so they each get a vote! Or ... neither does -  neither will be able to claim my vote in their tallies of the popular vote.  I did send in a ballot and voted for other offices and referendums after doing a little research. I am grateful we are still registered in Illinois as that ballot had about 8-10 bubbles to fill in, while the California ballot had dozens.  Our four young adults over the age of 18 each received a ballot at our home address, even though only one lives here, and one is not registered in California anymore.  It has the most complicated propositions in the nation, I would hazard to guess. 

I am not going to explain why I feel like I can't in good conscience vote for either candidate here, - but I am expressing my surprise at the number of people who responded negatively to Peggy Noonan's article in which she expresses her reasons for refusing to choose between Biden and Trump, and instead writing in a candidate. I looked it up online after reading it in the print edition of the Wall Street Journal because I was thinking about sharing it with a friend with whom I had been discussing this idea since we both had similar perspectives.  However, when I read it online, I was surprised to see that 901 people had taken time out of their day to write comments on this article.  How many of these 901 would take the time to compose a handwritten letter to the editor that might be printed in the hard copy of the paper?  I hazard to guess only a small portion - although I could be mistaken.  I was surprised to see how many angry commenters there were - which led me to keep reading, wasting my own time.  These angry commenters appeared to take both positions: How dare you not vote against Trump and for Biden? How dare you not vote against Biden and for Trump? (there seems to a be a number of people who see voting as a way to vote AGAINST someone instead of FOR someone else.) 

Here is a long portion of what Noonan wrote.  I can see why some people might be angered by her position.