Discernment issues

A tsunami of things to do is threatening to overwhelm me.


Instead of running like mad to get them out of the way, I’m sitting down to blog.


Part of the problem is that a number of these things require that I make a decision before I act. I’ve never had the talent of being a quick decision-maker, and being under pressure cripples my decisive factor even more.


So I’m going to blab on to try to reach a resolution. If you want to read something entertaining, go read my sister’s blog or Facebook or something else on the web, or read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, the source for all the interesting conversations we have around here lately.

Most of my decisions have to do with the impending move, but more immediate on my radar is teacher gifts. I have 6 classroom teachers, including the aides, to buy for. The older two kids switch classes and have been instructed to write thank you notes to which we’ll append a piece of chocolate. There are seven school days left. Then there are six special class teachers that all the kids have, and I feel like I ought to drop something off in the office for the principal and secretary since I have been around the school a lot as a Latin teacher and a sub and the boxtops lady. (Mailed the last five thousand off this morning! Something done!) I like these ladies, and I’d like to give them some kind of goodbye/thanks for being nice to my kids gift, but I can’t decide what. We gave little plants last year. I guess I need to look at a crafty blog, but I haven’t had time to browse, let alone make anything in between being gone two weekends in a row and then working the parish festival all last weekend (coffee and funnel cake anyone?). Taking suggestions for cheap, quick, thoughtful gifts. . . .


Another decision to be made soon: what to do for a party for a bunch of people on Sunday. The wardroom is coming over for a hail and farewell. I need to clean fast. Should be scrubbing bathroom sinks as I type.  More company coming the following week. I've got a lot of dust to get rid of before then.  And we're going out of town next week again.  I may just wait and clean after the packers come in July.  Here's hoping the glorious weather will hold so we can spend most of the visit at the beach.


Then I have some gnawing issues to discern about stuff: what clothes to get rid of, what clothes do we need, what books to get rid of, what books do we need, what stuff should we send express ship, what should we sell, what should we just donate, who can we find who will take our rat, guinea pig, parakeet and fish, and maybe the dog? The books give me the greatest heartache. Every time I pass a shelf, I think “I need to get rid of more books.” Then I sit down to pull some off the shelf, and start reading. I was able to cull about 10 for the parish book sale, but when I went over to drop them off, I left with another bag full, including the giant sized book about the Spanish Civil War, The Cypresses Believe in God, and a visually appealing set of petite hard-cover E. M. Forster novels.


I’m about ready to euthanize the rat because he nibbled tiny irreparable holes all over my very favorite shirt that I had just ironed and left hanging too close to his cage. He nabbed it from the hanger and converted it to nesting material while we were at the festival. My husband told me that my shrieks of rage when I discovered the theft were overreacting and frightening the children, but he doesn’t understand how difficult it is to find a favorite shirt, in your favorite color, favorite fabric, and favorite cut, all for the great price of $1.99 at Goodwill. Irreplaceable.

On buying and selling: A couple of people have expressed interest in buying our station wagon and our almost new frontload washer and dryer set, which are being left behind, but I have concerns about selling either to someone we like. I love them, but they are quirky. And I don’t want to just give them away, because we’ll need to replace them when we move back from Guam. Selling to an anonymous buyer who won’t call me and complain when the washer door starts to stink or when the station wagon engine repair light won’t go off is essential. I’d like to give a good deal to a friend, but I’m afraid of making enemies.


The big decisions are really discernment items. One decision, which we have decided to postpone until the summer when we can visit the spot, is whether or not to buy a piece of property next to my parent’s farm in the Midwest. We love the area, we’d love to be next door neighbors to my parents, we’d love to own farmland. But we are tied up for at least five years and maybe 10 with the military. And at that point we’ll have at least two kids of college age and four more moving up the ranks, so my husband will have to continue to work at a job that produces instead of consumes income. Retiring to a farm is not an option for several years. But land prices are good, and I’ve been brainwashed by reading Wendell Berry books and watching “Gone With the Wind”: “Do you mean to tell me, Katie Scarlett O'Hara, that Tara, that land doesn't mean anything to you? Why, land is the only thing in the world worth workin' for, worth fightin' for, worth dyin' for, because it's the only thing that lasts.”  

Maybe we could wear homespun and do correspondence school for college… But the property isn’t dreamily idyllic. It’s mostly cornfield. Which is both desirable and undesirable. Our list of pros and cons remains stultifyingly equalized.


The other issue for discernment is really about identity. Who do I want to be in Guam? Am I going to homeschool the youngers and be Homeschool Mom? Should I put them in school and apply for a teaching job at the Guam Community College and be Working Mom? Should I put them in school and start training for triathlons and going out to lunch and on boonie stomps with the other Navy wives and be Sporty Social Mom? Should I homeschool them all, even though my olders want to play sports because I am concerned they won’t be challenged at the DOD school and be either Hardcore Academic Drill Master Mom or take advantage of the time and freedom to be Unschooly Travel Around the Pacific With Lots of Kids Mom? Should we try to afford the Catholic high school and become Scrimping Eager Volunteer Mom?


If you have special gifts in prophesying the future or for online counseling or in spiritual direction, I appreciate all free advice. God hasn’t given me any clear signs, although I have asked a few times. I know this is a time when I should be turning more to Him in prayer, and remembering the assurance of Brother Lawrence from his little book on The Practice of the Presence of God: “That God always gave us light in our doubts when we had no other design but to please Him.” And, perhaps more apropos, from his “Gathered Thoughts”: “If you would go forward in the spiritual life, you must avoid relying on the subtle conclusions and fine reasonings of the unaided intellect. Unhappy they who seek to satisfy their desire therein! The Creator is the great teacher of Truth. We can reason laboriously for many years, but fuller far and deeper is the knowledge of the hidden things of faith and of Himself, which He flashes as light into the heart of the humble.”


I knew it would be worthwhile to sit and write something because it turned my thoughts back to that little book, lying in the stack of many on my desk, waiting to be reshelved or boxed and shared with someone else.