The third Advent candle was lit last night, our first night at home in several days. At times I enjoy a frenetic pace - it makes me feel purposeful and at ease with what I have to do NOW. When schedules and outside obligations present a ready-made priority list, I don't have to agonize over choices. This weekend was packed with Christmas parties, and we also supported the kids' participation in a couple of service projects (at both of which the number of volunteers nearly outnumbered the number of people being served.) Of course, being busy eventually becomes tiresome and a day at home is wonderful, even if it is spent doing laundry and cleaning desks. The earlier setting of the sun has us all content to stay home in the evening.
But last night, since we had no where to go, I spent several hours trying to shop online. Christmas is nearing, and our gifts haven't been purchased. Driving by the mall on the way home from church I was horrified to see people directing traffic, so I was determined to do all my shopping on the internet. Only I can't decide on anything! Too many options. Too hard to tell what something looks or feels like. So I bought nothing.
Similarly, I find myself wasting away hours in the daytime when I don't know what I should be working on first. While I am doing a little more substitute teaching, I was disappointed to hear that the community college isn't interested in hiring me for the spring semester either. As the remaining weeks of this pregnancy are slipping away, I keep trying to decide how to spend the hours of the day when the kids are in school. I thought I might write more, but instead I waste time reading words that fill the hours but don't fill my head or heart. (Although t
his article in the Guardian by pianist James Rhodes cuts deep.) I've been debating whether or not to pursue secondary school certification. I like teaching, I like being with students, I've always been interested in education, I like having something to direct my energy towards. But figuring out the details - What to do with the baby? How to manage the kids' schedules? Should I pay for my own education when paying for the kids should be a priority? - is preventing me from making any decisions. The root of the problem is a lack of passion. Do I want to do this enough to deal with the inconveniences and to inconvenience my family? Unable to commit, I remain in a state of stasis, waiting for a sign. And nothing has surfaced.
1 comment:
I love the picture of the two Claires!
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