Hosting amidst chaos

As I mentioned in the last post, the past few weeks have been full to the brim. In addition to all the running around, we've also spent a nice chunk of time entertaining friends, which is both a delight and a distraction.  Having company to dinner requires a lot of last minute scrubbing at our house in preparation, even if the entire place was scrubbed just a few days before.  Dusting, shuffling papers, washing dirty dishes, vacuuming, wiping soppy sinks. . . I think my grandmother did these chores every day, but how did she have time for that?

I'm also hesitant to invite people over because our house is not exactly conducive to entertaining. We have waterstained sinks and toilets, small rooms, uncomfortable chairs, and dim lighting and no climate controls.  I don't think the state of this house would bother me so much if we hadn't lived in other houses that were more spacious with updated bathrooms. And if I weren't prideful. This house is good for practicing humility and humbleness - we've had to creatively reconfigure or donate some things. Plus, we have teen-aged boys. Phew.  Fortunately, we have a back patio; otherwise, we'd rarely have people over.

Then there is the hurdle of planning the menu when company is coming.  Any allergies? What do I have time to make? What will the company like? Do I have to go to the grocery?

It's enough to discourage a person from inviting people over at all.

But we like to get invited to other people's houses, so every once in a while I feel compelled to entertain at our house.

Plus, there are people we like to hang out with but who either are intimidated by inviting our large family over or they are more averse to the preparation than we are, so if we want to spend time with them, we invite them over.

This article that  Melanie linked to by an episcopal priest from Knoxville struck a chord as he writes about "scruffy hospitality," which means not waiting until everything is perfect to have people over. Friends who have to have perfect cleanliness or require a dinner experience off the food channel aren't real friends.  We'd like to give our friends that, but we'd rather spend time with them than not. A good dinner and conversation bring joy to everyone and create community and friendship.  We really aren't that close to our new friends until we've eaten with them.  As Knoxpriest writes:

Scruffy hospitality means you’re not waiting for everything in your house to be in order before you host and serve friends in your home. Scruffy hospitality means you hunger more for good conversation and serving a simple meal of what you have, not what you don’t have. Scruffy hospitality means you’re more interested in quality conversation than the impression your home or lawn makes. If we only share meals with friends when we’re excellent, we aren’t truly sharing life together.

Don’t allow a to-do list disqualify you from an evening with people you’re called to love in friendship. Scheduling is hard enough in our world. If it’s eating with kind, welcoming people in a less than perfect house versus eating alone, what do you think someone would choose? We tell our guests ‘come as you are,’ perhaps we should tell ourselves ‘host as you are.’

So a couple of weeks ago we practiced this idea, although I read the article after making the invite to have our priest over for dinner. He is new at our parish this year, and is an interim pastor on loan from the Philippines. Our first Mass at the parish was his first Mass last summer, so we have felt a sort of kinship with him. I like to have priests over because then the kids see them being human. They open up and talk. They show off a little bit, but often they enjoy the meal as much as we do, even though they initially wish for kid company. Meanwhile, I think our priest enjoyed the time to relax and eat with company.

A couple days before he came over, we had a birthday party at the park for our 8 year old. I'm done with parties now for a long time until the baby begs and pleads. Having the party at the park was supposed to make things easy, but lugging over all the food and supplies was more complicated than I thought. 

Our most successful recent foray into entertaining was hosting a Navy family who just moved here from Naples.  They are staying in a hotel for a month or so until their house is available.  Remembering how grateful we were to get invited to a bbq while we were crammed into the 2 bedroom apartment for a month, I invited them over for a spontaneous burger night.  (The nice part about "Spontaneous" is that you give up on perfection because you don't have time for it.) Chips, burgers, beans, and brownies: easy, kid friendly food. Tossed up a salad with fresh tomatoes for a healthy choice.  

We knew this family slightly when we lived in Mississippi, but we didn't really keep in touch, and our kids had never met.  They have five kids about the same ages as ours. It's wonderful when you find family friends who have a kid friend for each kid in the family.  This family doesn't have a baby, and you never know how teenagers are going to hit it off, but this time the chemistry was right. Nine year old boys can meet and say: "Legos" or "Star Wars" or "Minecraft" and they are instant friends.  Eleven year old girls stare at each other for awhile and then decide each other is okay. Fortunately, both of our fourteen year old boys are comfortable in their own skin, despite being not quite typical, so they hit it off. Sixteen year olds take longer to open up, and I wasn't sure how the crowd was going to mix, but perhaps because of the shared military lifestyle or the interest in BBC shows or the ability to commiserate about younger siblings, they were able to find enough to talk about to make a connection. As the other family left, their eleven year old daughter said, "Thanks for dinner. It wasn't nearly as miserable as I expected!"  A compliment from a kid used to attending "mandatory fun" events. 

The other event we hosted was a "teenager party." Our two older boys are close enough in age and personality that they share many of the same friends. They have received multiple invitations from their friends for dinner and movies, so I felt like it was our turn to host. Plus, one of their best friends was moving this summer, so I wanted to do a goodbye party for her. I also needed to cook the ribeye roast her mom had given me while cleaning out her freezer before the move.  (A nice piece of meat. And a nice perk of Navy friends: you benefit from their cabinet clean-outs. I also inherited crema de caballero - the Spanish version of Baileys. Yum.)  I avoided cleaning by having everyone over to the in-laws for paddleboarding and a cookout on the channel. My husband's brother and sister-in-law were heading out of town and said we could use their place, which is much nicer than ours. They have water access. So 10-15 teenagers  and a few parents came over. We mostly stayed on their back patio, which is right on the water, and drank wine and indulged in small talk.  

The boys weren't necessarily thrilled about the idea. They just want to "hang out" without younger siblings around.  I made some salads and roasted potatoes and burned a lemon blueberry cake to go with it. Fortunately, another family made dessert, and I had stuff for s'mores, so there was plenty to eat. We got wood for the fire pit and sodas and set up the paddle boards and kayaks.   I think the kids had fun. Sometimes it's hard to tell, but they laughed and talked till late, and we enjoyed getting to know some of the parents.

After each one of these dinners, I lay awake and tallied all the things that didn't go as planned.   I was exhausted. I'm not naturally an extrovert, so coming up with conversation starters wears on me. But my husband thrives on company, so I've grown into being more social.  I like cooking, but mess things up by experimenting. I don't get into the small detail part of hosting a party like my friend does who gives coordinated party favors.  We usually invite families over when we entertain, so the level of noise and the quantity of food escalates.  Sometimes conversation lulls amid the chaos.

But despite my anxieties and second guessing, these dinners are usually fun for me as well as the kids, and I hope for our company. After each of these events we feel a little closer to these people. My sister-in-law once said she wouldn't friend anyone on Facebook she hadn't had dinner with. A little restrictive, but there is an intimacy you feel with people whom you've hosted and fed.  Entertaining requires a certain openness to vulnerability. People can see your piles and photos and art and dirty dishes.  But they also see that you want to be friends.  It's Eucharistic.  The labor is worth the reward of sitting on the back porch with a glass of wine and friends. 

Soon I get to be a guest for a time - tomorrow we leave for summer vacation! 

Copying from GretchenJoanna and posting photos of my neighbor's pretty roses.
An act of hospitality by the people on the corner of the street.