On teaching and learning

I have posted my grades for my composition and service learning classes.  Only one student contacted me to say he was upset about his grade, but this was a student who missed 3 classes out of 10 to go on field exercises. I made the mistake of allowing him to continue the course without seeing much of his work.  He did turn in almost all of the assignments when he returned, but they were not collegiate work.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this student has a learning disability of some sort. My mistake was not encouraging him to drop the course when he told me about his planned absence.

My other "lessons learned" from the semester: You can't cover 16 weeks of material in 10 weeks, even if the hours in class are supposed to be equivalent (5 hour classes - we actually met for 3 -3.5, and then they were sent home with assignments to make up for the extra hour or two of class).  These students needed more help with the basics - grammar, sentence construction, paragraphing. I also should have assigned more short writing assignments earlier in the term to assess what they needed instead of backloading the course. Live and learn.

Unfortunately, "live and learn" with my children doesn't work so well.  My younger kids just received their Iowa Test scores.  When my older kids took standardized tests, they usually scored in the 95-99th percentile.  My youngers are still at the top side of average, but about 10-20 percentiles lower.  And the youngest was below average in math.  Is this because I didn't give them the attention they needed when they were younger? Or is it a natural aptitude issue?  My youngest is the most social of all my children. She is very athletic, very outgoing, and very self-confident, but she isn't at all interested in reading or doing math facts, and regularly falls asleep when I read aloud at night, which I've been trying to do more lately (working through Redwall, which 3 out of 4 listeners recommend). The older kids loved books.  Did I do something wrong with her?

Now with this new baby, I have the chance to put to use all of those "lessons learned" from the past years.  I will read every day to this child and play with math manipulatives! She will eat a well rounded diet low in sugar!  She will only play with handmade wooden toys and Waldorf dolls! (I bought her a Nicki baby before she was born...) We will find a balance between attachment parenting and Ferberizing!

Uh oh, she has already had bites of pumpkin pie and frosted Cheerios and whipped cream.  Her siblings are dying to give her bites of donuts and ice cream.  One sister gave her a lick of lollipop.

And several days have slipped by without any reading.  All she wants to do is eat her books, and we had a busy weekend.

And I'm not sure I can justify buying her a $100 doll for Christmas when she is going to like wrapping paper better than anything. I've had to fish bits of paper out of her chipmunk cheeks more than once. And lately she wants to nurse all night long. . .

I doubt my ability to be a better parent just because I have experience.  My experience with other children has taught me only that every child is different.  I still have to learn what this child needs.  She is beginning to show her will - I am sure she will let me know what she wants! Will she be a scholar or social or both?  Experience has taught me I can't make her into whom I think she should be.  I have to start at the beginning again and get to know and love her and have the discipline and desire to meet her needs, which probably aren't so much organic playthings, as much as love and dedication.

The reading this Sunday was the parable of the talents.  To whom much is given, much is expected.  We certainly have been given much.  But in my older age, I look more for the safe answer - I'm more likely to be the guy who buries his money than the guy who invests and makes double, especially in my middle age.  A friend and I were sharing stories of our twenties and I was trying to remember what possessed me to pack up and take two toddlers and go back to graduate school while my husband was on deployment. How did I make that decision? It was easier to take risks because I didn't know how hard it was going to be. And to be honest, I don't remember it being that hard.  Now I think too much about the difficulties of packing everyone up. I dread changing schools with the kids again.  I'm taking an online class about teaching online classes and finding it a challenge. Everything seems harder than it used to be.  Is this perspective the wisdom of experience or the fear of tribulation?

Obviously the latter. These fears are proof my faith is weak when it is put on trial.  Experience should have taught me that God provides. But still I think I must rely on my own knowledge and effort.  Even teaching this class - again and again the lesson is that good teaching isn't about dumping content into these students, but about responding to their needs. Trying to find the right books and essays and exercises isn't as important as trying to help these students put their thoughts into precise words and intelligible form.

As Advent nears, I know that my goal should be trying to clean up my soul, to let go of anxieties and selfishness that prevent me from trusting God and loving others.  The days are growing shorter in hours and in number.  I catch myself squinting as I think of my to-do lists and tell myself "Relax your face!" That's what my coach used to yell when I would squint while running.  When I heard him, I would consciously relax my eyes.  Then my stride would lengthen and my hands unclench.  As the tension of fighting pain slipped away, so would pain, and I would run faster and easier.  Likewise, when I let go of my will to do the right thing and just pay attention to what is in front of me, tension slips away. I can actually get something done instead of fretting about it.  Instead of wrestling with trying to predict God's will - how can I possibly know what God's will is? - I need to do what is in front of me, and stop trying to find the right/best thing.  Love what must be done, instead of trying to predict or guess what is the best thing to do. Use the talents instead of burying them out of fear of losing them.

And now I must wash the dishes because the pile in front of me grows.  I will wash the dishes out of love, I will, I will, because my family loves when they can get a drink out of the sink without maneuvering a stack of pots and the counters are clean.