Meanwhile, we've had storms of another kinds. I have felt buffeted about by the forces of nature and forces of fate - or whatever you call the vicissitudes of life within a large family preparing to move. In the midst of all the normal responsibilities, there have been school fundraisers, minor car accidents, multiple sporting events, college board testing, drama practice and performances, visitors - and a sacrament of confirmation! These events take place in the midst of the normal upkeep of the house and schoolwork - including my own two classes I'm teaching and a class I'm taking on how to teach online. And kids who get behavior points at school for talking and wrestling and teenagers who want to date and a preteen who wants to hang out with friends and check my social media because I won't let her have her own. And the pleading for playdates and media time and dessert. And Age of Ultron.
And a baby who walks, says "no" (!) (and "please" and makes praying hands...), and plays in the potty water and throws shoes in the trash and sticks fingers in my lipstick.
So lately I have to admit I bristle whenever I hear someone say, "Oh, sorry, I can't do that; I'm just too busy"? "What!" I think, "I'll show you busy!" I think I'm jealous when people say that. I want to use that phrase - no, I'm sorry - too, but I have a problem with the saying no part. And I have vanity about wanting to appear to have everything at least in the semblance of being under control so that I don't give large families a bad name. (Pride, vanity, ADD?). So I add to the calendar, and try not to think too far ahead.
My new phrase to say periodically to myself is "Relax the face!" when I'm squinting too much.
Part of the squinting comes from the torment I put upon myself through my own indecisiveness. I hate to say no to possibility A, B, or C. How long can I lead on this school or that landlord? And I'm inefficient at researching rental houses, schools, and homework because I keep looking for the best possible thing. It must be out there on the internet somewhere if I just keep looking!
And so my other little prayer is "All will be well, all will be well." One step in front of the other. One day at a time. All things are possible... And the line from that song: "Every knock is a boost, every stumbling block is a stepping stone, if you knock your head, hold it on, just keep holding on" -- All those little aspirations that help me remember that now is only a brief moment and at the end of now is a glorious forever. I know that during this time of emptying, letting go, giving away, detaching, I need to refill occasionally by adding one more thing to the list - go to Mass. Read that gospel reflection. Pray.
Happily, I have begun to make decisions! or at least to have decisions made for me. Last week, the landlord announced he is going on vacation when we wanted to move out. This news at first made me want to squinch my face and cry. But it is no crisis, just an inconvenience. So we have decided to move out later than we wanted, after our lease is up,instead of earlier than we wanted. At one point in life, I would have based this decision on how to save the most money. That's still motivation for me, but I also want to maximize the kids' happiness and my own sanity. So instead of rushing to move out before our summer vacation, we are going to stay put until the end of the summer so the kids can work and play, and we don't have to cram a pack-out in between all the end of the school year festivities. This plan also buys us time to shop for a house. Husband will have to report to work sooner, but he can shop for a house for us so we can do a door to door move and avoid living in a hotel room (and it is cheaper to pay for a whole month of rent, than two weeks of a hotel for us.)
The school decision is still looming - the expensive private school came back with less financial aid than we thought we could afford, so we crossed it off the list. Now we have to decide between the cheaper Catholic school, which is very, very small and very far - an hour commute for my husband (or a split commute for both of us), or public school. Next week we are going to do another visit with the kids to try to discern what to do. The small Catholic school is very traditional and probably would be an easy transition, but it only has about 20 kids in each high school class. No music, few sports, few arts opportunities. Advanced classes offered online. So I'm not sure it is worth the money and the stress of driving. But the public school option makes me sad. I love having the kids someplace where they go to Mass once a week and celebrate feast days. We may split the difference and send the younger kids to parochial school (of which there are many choices) and send the olders to public high school (also many "fine" choices).
Still holding on to a thread of hope that a house within our budget on Coronado will materialize. That would make our decision so much easier. Husband could bike to work. Little kids could go to parochial school which offers half tuition for military. And older kids could go to the smaller public high school. Of course, that high school is not without its issues either. Kids with money, kids without money, kids with some money. They all seem to get into the same amounts of trouble. And to find the same amounts of success.
Having a glut of choices is more difficult to me than having only a few. San Diego is so big. And everyone we've talked to seems to love where they are, whether they are on the island, in the southwest area, in North County or near the ocean. Apparently we can't go wrong. I'm trying to trust that there is no perfect place, and that the good enough place will show up. I'm trying not to get upset with Southern California for being so darn expensive.
All will be well, all will be well, all manner of things shall be well -- Julian of Norwich?
Just keep going on - Eric Bibb
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