More on discernment

Last week we watched Bishop Barron's movie about St. Catherine of Sienna because she is one of our youngest daughter's patron saints.  The kids whined about it, but then they settled in and paid attention and even asked questions like, if she hardly ate anything why does she look pregnant in that painting?

What stood out to me was a section from the second half of the movie when Bishop Barron talks about her understanding of growing in holiness and discernment. There's a tension between loving the self and loving others and loving God.  Bishop Barron paraphrases St. Catherine's idea of a "cell" of self-knowledge.

"To obtain real charity, we have to dwell constantly in the cell of self-knowledge. ... The cell is also a well where we find both earth and water, that is knowledge of our sin and knowledge of grace ... our nothingness and God's fullness."

To love others requires we know ourselves to be in need of grace and mercy.  Love is willing the good of another, but sometimes this good is something they don't want - particularly children - but how do we offer this in a humble way?

Barron goes on to describe what St. Catherine says about humility.  Here is my paraphrase of his description of her words (transcribed by a priest):  Humility of the foundation of all spiritual growth. Obedience is tied to this. But charity is at the center because God is love. We should love God first and then love all things because of God. Our business is to work for everyone's good.  The law of love is accompanied by the law of suffering ... Suffering and sorrow increase in proportion to love. When love grows so does sorrow . . .  all love is a participation in the cross.

This suffering in proportion to love is obvious to parents, but it also is evident during emergencies. But sometimes it is the suffering of letting go:

"Love is a steady stripping away of our self love, our preoccupation with the self. Turning toward God in a sinful world is especially painful. That's why you find the cross in all the great Christian mystics."

Barron goes on to paraphrase: The more love grows in us, the more the oneness with God increases.  The more we participate in love, the more we grow into oneness with God. We are always moving forward or moving backward. Always restlessly seeking. The death of self will and union with the divine will is the direction.

One of the sorrows of life is that to say yes to one thing is to say no to another, even when that is a good thing. That is when "divine will" is perhaps most difficult to discern.   I woke up this morning feeling sad that we have crossed living overseas off our list of places we would want to be sent to work. This decision is not the kind of big sacrifice that St. Catherine is talking about, but it is a decision where we are saying no to something I desire because it appeals to me more on a superficial level than because I am devoted to the idea that the real benefits to travel as education will be realized.  The two kids who would be a senior and a sophomore have been very clear let about not wanting to go overseas. They want to stay here. I imagine they would get used to living abroad, and perhaps grow to love it. But they might also stew in anger and resentment for a long time.

I have had a hard time letting go of the hope though. I like the idea of doing the hard thing.  But there are hard things everywhere.  I often have to remind myself that the place where we are is not so important as what we do while we are there.