What have I done

The last few weeks I have spent prepping to be a 7th and 8th grade ELA teacher. 

As I wrote earlier, initially I said no to this job.  I hadn't been looking for opportunities to teach middle school, although I had thought about teaching high school.  When this one came up, I declined because I wasn't sure I wanted to quit my college jobs to teach middle schoolers. I loved being on campus around the students. I had enough classes lined up plus writing center hours to make a nearly full schedule with Fridays off. I have a daugther who's a senior who needs me. 

But I kept thinking about teaching at the kids' school - it was keeping me awake at night and absorbing my thoughts during the day. Although I knew I'd rather teach high school than middle school, I kept thinking maybe it's time I step into full time teaching, and perhaps this was an opportunity I shouldn't pass up - the door was open to a convenient and rewarding (albeit challenging) job. If I ccouldn't stop thinking about it, maybe this was a call. I'd like being at the same place as the girls. And going to Mass is a part of the job! But still I hesitated.

Then the principal called me back at the end of June and asked again if I would consider teaching maybe as a long term sub. Since I hadn't stopped thinking about whether to switch directions in my life to become a school teacher instead of an adjunct, I thought maybe this was a sign. I like feeling needed. The school lost several staff and faculty, and by midsummer had only filled about half the spots.  They needed me!  Another friend and my aunt both talked abut how much they enjoyed their middle school classes. Feeling altruistic, I said yes, I would take the job - if I could still teach the great questions seminar, which means leaving school early two days a week for 8 weeks. The principal said yes. 

For about a week, I was excited about it. I checked out 30 books from the library about teaching. I talked for a long time to my aunt who recently retired. She sent me all kinds of useful Google docs and gave me great ideas about interactive lesson plans - a huge help. I started digging into my old home school grammar stuff and reading the summer reading assignments and making lists of novels to potentially assign.

But this week, I have woken up with the pit in my stomach thinking, what have I done? What was I thinking? I've walked away from a good thing into a hard thing. How will I keep up with it all? This is the same pit in my stomach I had when we decided to move and buy this house two years ago. I lost ten pounds that summer. 

Ah me. It seems my weakness is being malcontent. 

My husband, who initially encouraged me not to take the job, is now trying to help me see this as an opportunity for spiritual growth. It's for the good of others - like doing a year of service after college.  It also could be my penance, my time in purgatory, for my lack of gratitude for what I have, for my inability to rest in the goodness of the present.  And maybe I'm just suffering from nerves - anxiety about the unknown. If I stay focused on what needs to happen next, I don't feel quite as overwhelmed.  My fourth grader is thrilled we'll be at the same place.  My senior wants to redo my wardrobe and help decorate.  I'm jumping into middle grade lit again trying to decide what novels to teach. The textbook is only so-so (another reason I started to second guess my decision), so I need to come up with a list of texts to supplement. 

I've been thinking a lot about my aunt who passed away and how she loved and inspired her students. She had enthusiasm and a sense of humor, and a love for literature and a heart for young people. She might have questioned my jumping ship from adjuncting to middle school, but she would, I think, have praised teaching as a job like no other - incredibly difficult, but incredibly rewarding. She may be my patron saint.