Several months ago I received a flyer for a special subscription rate to the WSJ. At the time I was feeling adrift from news, and so I signed up. I only read about 20% of the paper, but what I read is 90% of the time interesting. My oldest also comes straight home for school and sits down with a couple sections to peruse while he eats his after school snack.
Saturdays have the best articles; this Saturday, the controversial “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” appeared. Author Amy Chua, a law professor at Yale, mother of two girls, one a concert pianist pictured playing in Carnegie Hall, throws down the gauntlet, bluntly asserting that Chinese parenting, with its emphasis on achievement in academics and music, is better for children and society.(Pentimento also has a note about it.)
At first glance, the standards Chua lays out – no playdates, no drama, no grade less than an A, no complaining, no exception to being number one in every class except gym and drama, no less than three hours at least of music practice a day – seem unattractive and untenable. A Chinese child who receives an A- is rebuked and shamed. You can’t help but wonder what happens to the Chinese child who isn’t a musical prodigy or who has a learning disability, or who is number 2 in his class. I suppose those children become laborers.
Even though my first response to the article is “How extreme,” this article is provocative because much of what Chua writes rings true. Self-esteem does come from success, not from being told you’re good enough, you’re doing fine. Who wants to do fine? When I think about some of the students who were in my class last semester, who didn’t turn in ¾ of the assignments because they were too busy keeping up with facebook and texting, who didn’t care if they failed, I wonder what they think they are going to do with themselves. Live with mom? Sell cable tv? Meanwhile, their Chinese counterparts are preparing to take over the world.
On the other hand, I failed these students. I didn’t motivate them. I didn’t encourage them. I didn’t goad them to work. I am guilty of laissez-faire parenting and teaching. Almost is good enough for me. You tried? Great. In the flurry of after school activities, I don’t care that my younger kids are running around with kids from down the street. They’re running! They’re burning off energy! I can start supper! I like to think they are being creative, but actually I think they spend most of their time arguing about rules and teasing the youngest kid.
I’ve spent a lot of parental energy encouraging my kids to become good readers and hoping they’ll become thoughtful, imaginative, empathetic, judicious, as a result. We’ve put time into catechesis and faith formation, music lessons, and sports. I usually worry that they don’t have enough free time for imaginative play. But while my kids may think I am stricter than most of their school friends’ parents because of the limitations I put on media use, I am less strict than many home school parents, and don't compare to the Chinese model of parenting. And I haven’t encouraged my children's growth in creativity or artistic ability like some of the more free thinking home school parents. I am not an enforcer OR a facilitator. Reading Amy Chua’s article adds to the mother-guilt-load, the “I’m not doing enough for my kids!” fears. Are my kids going to be underachievers?
Chua’s article was matched with an article about how some Chinese parents are beginning to encourage their children to be more creative. They are beginning to read American parenting books. And there are American parents who follow the Chinese model. But I wonder how much this philosophy of demanding high achievement is incompatible with Christian faith. Certainly hard work and perseverance are nondenominational virtues, but if the goal of life is to know, love and serve God in order to be happy with Him for eternity, how much emphasis does a Christian parent put on worldly success? Chua claims that Chinese parents are motivated by the desire for what is best for their children, but they also believe that children are indebted to their parents. My parental ambivalence stems partly from the belief that my children are a gift from God who have a free will that I can't compel or form to my will.
This is my out, right? My reason for not emulating the model of Chinese mothers: I want my children to love God and neighbor more than I want them to get all A’s.
But how have I modeled and encouraged that life? Poorly.
In the Shadow of the Past
2 months ago
7 comments:
These questions are perennial, aren't they? I think you are right about some incompatibility with Christian values. Love and service are the most important attitudes and behaviors we ought to cultivate in our children. Certainly you do model those in caring for your family the way you do. I think that some children are competitive naturally and tend to push themselves. I wouldn't want to push the others toward achievement for its own sake, or for money.
Your post is interesting and thought-provoking, but the last sentence is incorrect!
Margaret, you are too kind.
I read this article this morning after a friend recommended it and found myself with some similar reflections. I've got more thinking to do on it, but one thing that really jumped out at me was:
"What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. "
Going to Mass, praying, being virtuous, *fill in the blank* isn't always deemed "fun" and kids (and me) will often balk at it. Parenting (as well as self-discipline and growth in holiness) take constant...oh what's that word?...yep, this article got that right...FORTITUDE. Something I often feel greatly lacking. Thanks for posting on this!
I think in discussing the article with a friend on Facebook who defends his Asian mother and whose response to the article focused on the insistence on excellence, that I'm able to untangle my initial revulsion for the abusive methods Chua seems to advocate-- the yelling, screaming, refusal of bathroom breaks-- from the philosophy of parenting that focuses on discipline and perseverance and yes, excellence.
I'm still sorting through how much of what I disliked was the focus of Chua and other Asian mothers on a worldly standard for measuring excellence. And in my own perception that for most of these Chinese mother types there are only a few areas in which success is important. So one could be a concert pianist but not a jazz musician, a doctor but not a painter. That bugs me. Whereas if it becomes not a matter of deciding for the child what his vocation is but working with him to find what his talents are and then pushing him to excel in those areas, then I am much less repulsed by the ideas.
The other thing that irritates me is what seems like a willful refusal to acknowledge that there will always be a spectrum of ability. Only one child can be head of the class. At least half of the children must be below average, by definition. If a child's self esteem is crippled for life because he will never be in the top half of the class, then the methods of berating him and his inability would seem cruel. But for a child who does have the capacity but is being lazy then I think a certain level of pressure is useful. So I think my reaction to the book would depend on how well Chua addressed those concerns.
All that said, this blogger who actually read the book, argues that the article thoroughly misrepresents the book and Chua's position.
As for how the article makes me think about my own parenting... I know one of my greatest weaknesses is a lack of self discipline and a certain laziness. Like you, I often justify mine as a laissez-faire approach to parenting but I secretly wonder if I'm not just being a slacker.
And as a Catholic mother I wonder about how the emphasis on success and fortitude and perseverance could be applied to preparing our children to pursue less worldly goals. After all there is an extreme excellence in a St Francis or St Claire, even if both were kind of failures by worldly standards at the same time even the most secular critics would have to admit their success in recruiting vast numbers of followers to an extreme lifestyle in a very short time, in founding a worldwide order, and in their single-minded pursuit of their goals, even while questioning the worth of those goals. But then I also have no idea how one would go about inculcating that kind of extreme virtue. Chua's methods-- at least as outlined in the WaPo article and excerpt-- do seem antithetical to a Christian call to sanctity. After all their parents were actively opposed to their vocations. But maybe I should read the book as it seems that perhaps it is much richer than the article would suggest.
Long ago when my children were little I bought the book "How to Raise Your Children For Christ" by Andrew Murray. A note on the cover said it was a "practical guide," but I was initially quite disappointed to find that after a few pages dealing with the importance of a peaceful environment, the rest of the book was a month's worth of daily devotions focusing on the *parents'* spiritual lives and how essential it is that they PRAY for their children.
Ever since then I have seen that my true laziness is in this most critical area.
I'm in a conversation about Chinese mothers on two blogs, and I just remembered that they are separate, and you might not have seen the other. If the "news" hasn't grown quite stale yet, some helpful things are coming up here: http://morningsidefamily.blogspot.com/
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