A Valentine's Post

... even though I’m currently disenchanted with the holiday, after labeling some 80 odd pieces of candy for our 4 elementary students and anticipating sugar crashes after they’ve consumed some 20 odd pieces of candy by 3 p.m. Should I have formed a principle to pull them out of school for the day? Why do elementary school kids exchange Valentines anyway?* Because candy makes them happy… I suppose I could lower my scroogometer a notch and let them enjoy. I have to admit to having a weakness for cinnamon jell hearts myself.


But what I wanted to note today was that yesterday was World Marriage Day. At Mass, the married couples were asked to stand and renew their vows. I was taken offguard by how giddy I felt when my husband said my name and that he’d take me and all my weaknesses until death do us part. Could I smile any bigger?


A friend who had been sitting across the way came over after mass and asked if I smiled that widely at our wedding. (Yes, I had cheek cramps at the end of the day from smiling so much. My grandfather commented that he had never seen someone have so much fun at her own wedding.) I was grateful for her comment, especially since she is a single mom who hasn’t been blessed to find someone with whom to exchange vows. Public blessings of married couples must be a sword in the heart for the lonely. But perhaps they are even more painful for those who can’t repeat their vows without wincing. I admit there have been days when I wouldn’t want to have to stand up and say them again in front of witnesses.


By the grace of God, our marriage has weathered the valleys pretty well so far. I don’t have any fail-proof recipes for a perfect marriage, but, inspired by the announcement in the church bulletin about a recent marriage renewal retreat with the topic “Eight Things to Protect Your Marriage,” I gave some thought to what has helped pull us through low times. Since soccer games, birthday parties, and scout events made our attendance at the mini retreat verboten, I tried to come up with my own eight things:


1. Sit next to each other at church instead of separated by minions. (Although behavior issues may prevent this at times, it does make renewing your vows easier. And it’s also nice when you can give the kiss of peace or a quick hand squeeze when one of the songs from your wedding is on the playlist.) (This takes for granted that you go to church, and confession, and pray together.)

2. Write letters. Good for saying things you mean to say but don’t have time to when daily life intervenes.

3. Never drink alone. I liked the promise that Sheldon Vanauken describes in A Severe Mercy that he and his wife made to always get each a drink of water if the other asked. We haven’t always lived up to that, but we have gotten better about offering each other a glass of whatever beverage we’re having.  And we really like our coffee time on weekends (and tea or wine time together after kids go to bed.) A good opportunity to compare calendars to make sure no one gets left somewhere.

4. Take walks together. We started sneaking out after the kids were asleep several years ago to walk around the block a few times. Last fall we started getting up earlier in the mornings to jog before the kids wake up. (please don’t inform CPS – the house hasn’t burnt down yet.) Something about moving your legs makes your mouth move, too.

5. Eat dinner together as a family– this one has research to back it up – but sometimes go out for dinner or have people over to spark discussions.

6. Read each other’s books. Or at least take an interest in each other’s projects or do things you aren’t really interested in or think you don’t have time to do. I don’t really love spending money, but sometimes I have to get over my frugality and do things my husband likes to do or “let” him buy new tools for a project.

7. Ask about each other’s day. Corollary: listen to the answer. Second corollary: use love languages, despite triteness. Sometimes it cuts down the amount of time it takes to get what you want if you accompany a request with affirmations, or actions, or whatever language it is that your beloved speaks. My husband and I speak different languages – and sometimes we need an interpreter.

8. Probably the best thing my husband and I did before getting married was to read Love and Responsibility and Casti Connubii together. Those writings gave us an ideal to fashion our marriage after and a vision of the big picture of the role of marriage in society and salvation. And it helped that we had friends and family whose marriages were worth copying. Doing NFP fits in this category, too. Sometimes it’s hard to take the long term view when some immediate little bitterness is trying to find a foothold, but when you only have a certain number of days to consummate your marriage, you make up faster.

Instead of going out on a date tonight, we had friends over for pizza yesterday to celebrate World Marriage Day (and, not less important, our son's 13th birthday.) But next weekend we're going on a little marriage retreat to Oxford, MS, to see William Faulkner's haunts.  This is a joint effort at #6 - since it's not the destination my husband would've chosen, I let him pick the hotel, a pricier place than I would've selected.

*I have to give credit to the school's principal, who announced that the classes would NOT have Valentine's parties. However, the room mothers confirmed that the kids could exchange cards and treats and wear red or pink shirts.