To Jump on the bandwagon or not to jump

I am now the proud aunt of two new nieces. I also have at least one nephew due to arrive in the late spring, and another niece or nephew due in the fall. More than one cousin on both my side of the family and my husband’s side has had or will have a baby soon. And my daughter’s soccer coach’s wife has the cutest tiny baby boy she brings to practice sometimes. He was born a little early and so is still at the cuddly, hunchy, sleepy stage.


So I feel a little left out of the fertility fest. This has been a recent topic of conversation at bedtime between my husband and me (and on the internet – my sister is not making the issue any less complicated). Our kids have asked more than once when we’re going to have another one. The youngest wants a baby sister. The olders hijack other people’s babies. I want a baby to hold too! Should we jump on the bandwagon of babyhaving, or continue on our status quo mode of practicing NFP with the expectation that one of these days we’re going to be surprised with a pregnancy?


Actually, I think the surprise is that I haven’t been pregnant for almost five years. Have we finally managed to figure NFP out? Maybe I’m getting older, although I’m not yet forty. Maybe my facetious remarks to friends that we’d have as many kids as we could until I turned 35 were heard by God and taken seriously. Maybe we fall asleep too quickly at night.


Despite all the peer pressure to get pregnant from my younger relatives, most of our friends, except maybe the Mormons, would think I was certifiably insane if I were to get pregnant again. We run with a different group of people here than we did when we were in Illinois and Virginia, where we hung out with home schoolers and young people who were into having babies. In fact, I can think of only one other family we’ve met here that has more kids than we do at both the high school and the elementary school. And only a couple who have 6. A handful that have five. Most have only two or three. And although I’ve heard rumors of military families with six or more kids, I haven’t met them.

So I feel a little torn between two worlds and two selves. One self wants to be the good Catholic mama who has lots of kids, nourishes them with healthy whole foods, and makes them read novels about the saints. Yes to life, I want to shout! Look at me, I use NFP!

The other self just wants to blend, to avoid rocking the tenuously balanced boat we’re handling right now, to move into a new identity of older mom who volunteers at the kids’ schools and St. Vincent de Paul, takes the kids to sports and music practices, and still has time to teach a little.

One day I think our life is running pretty smoothly, we’re financially stable, and the other kids don’t need me as much. The next day, my husband goes out of town again, and I’m losing my voice from yelling and dropping a couple hundred dollars on car repairs.

And one of these days, we’ll be moving again, if Congress ever passes a budget.

I told my husband I wouldn’t want to get pregnant too soon before we move because I wouldn’t want to tell anyone here. Let the people at our next duty station see us as crazy people before they know us as reasonably sane.

And, although I know this is an admission of a weakness of faith, I do sometimes fear for the children I have with all the turmoil in the world right now. Sometimes I fear that the rebellions in Africa and the Mideast are started by extremists, not democratic hopefuls, who plan to take over when everything is chaotic. Gas is supposed to be $5 at the end of the year. Milk already is about that. College is going to cost a million dollars.  Will we have to take potassium iodine to prevent radiation poisoning if we move to Guam?

It’s easy to come up with practical reasons to postpone pregnancy, perhaps indefinitely: we’re moving, my husband travels, my older kids are still needy.

But the reality is that the few reasons to have babies are pretty strong ones: babies teach you about love and self-sacrifice, they are the best gift you can give your children, according to Mother Teresa. They bring more love into the world; they are proof that God is love. And then there is the quote I posted here that continues to inspire.

So we remain on the fence about whether our family size should grow any time in the near future, and so far, if God has spoken, He hasn’t spoken loudly enough to hear. I remain unconvicted either way. I wonder how much of my babywanting is jealousy, rooted in a desire to hold on to my youth, or to prove something about my spiritual life, rather than a genuine desire to have another child who will be teenager one day with a teenager’s problems and moods.

On the other hand, how much of our reluctance to commit to having another child is based on vanity and a selfish desire to do something “productive” with my time? I have really enjoyed my parttime teaching – but is that a selfish reason to postpone baby #7? Do I deprive my kids of another sibling because I really don’t want to have to buy a bigger car?


At least with NFP, we can tell ourselves that although we may be following the rules for postponing pregnancy, we haven’t left God out of the conversation about the procreative side of marriage. And He has continued to bless the unitive side, despite the difficulties of our instable life.

Is it too early to look forward to becoming a grandma?