It was heartbreaking and nervewracking. My husband thought I needed to lay down with her and nurse her, but I had tried that and she had spit up all over me. I yelled back at him that I knew what I was doing. Which was nothing. Just holding her and humming and waiting. I really didn't know what to do.
We had been out all afternoon and I think she was overstimulated. I can't sleep when I have too much excitement either.
While we were out, I realized I had forgotten an extra outfit and didn't have enough wipes. Even the simplest part of parenting - how to pack a diaper bag - I have forgotten. That can be relearned. Soothing a fussy baby is sometimes simply a matter of enduring the unhappiness. Maybe there is a vouchsafe method for calming down a crier - brandy on the gums? - but I don't believe there is any way that works for every baby all the time.
So much of parenting is guesswork. My mom left an Atlantic Monthly here with the article about children needing space to take risks. The author argues that kids need to play unsupervised to develop their creativity and self-confidence through risk taking. I read this and wonder whether I let my kids play alone enough. The 9 year old and 7 year old don't roam the neighborhood here. There's a weird guy with green hair who lives with his parents across the street. He punched a homeless guy the other day when they were fighting over the homeless babe (who lives behind the grocery store a couple blocks away). I've told the kids to come inside if he is outside. He's probably not a risk to my children - but I'm content with being overprotective in this situation.
Meanwhile our backyard is too small to have hiding places, but the nine year old has fallen out of the avocado tree twice when he has tried to climb too high, seeking elevation if not isolation. Next time will surely involve a trip to the ER, although both times I told him that I was not going to take him there.
I went to the ER anyway - I had to take my husband a few days ago. He tore ligaments in his shoulder while coaching soccer - the last practice of the season! It ended up being convenient to take him because one of the high schoolers had missed his ride and needed to be picked up, although I had been waiting for a friend to come by to drop off a supper. She was running late and I had to take another son to scouts. Leaving a message for the friend, I rushed my husband to the hospital, picked up the teen, dropped off the eighth grader at scouts and went home to nurse the baby again before the husband was finished getting x-rayed. Days like this sometimes happen.
Days with the free time to roam and play are much rarer. I have not been using my roaming time well. I roam the internet too often, instead of the outdoors - or the mind. My mind when left to wander obsesses about the upcoming decisions that have to be made - immediate decisions like planning a First Communion party, intermediate decisions about summer travel and activities, and big, agonizing decisions like choices about future jobs and moves and college. More guesswork. Choices overwhelm me, and when confronted with two goods, it's sometimes bittersweet to have to say no or goodbye to someone or something.
It's way too soon to get weepy about moving again. I'm trying to remind myself to enjoy these spring days because time is marching on. Last night during one of her quiet, alert phases, the baby flashed a couple of her rare smiles. My oldest had just come home from practice and was holding her while we were saying prayers with all the kids. For a moment, everyone was quiet and alert. Although that crying jag may have seemed interminable, watching my high schooler hold his happy baby sister last night was a reminder that these moments are fleeting and to be treasured. Sometimes our guesses turn out all right.
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