We have some big decisions looming in our future. Taking a cue from Flannery O'Connor (and Joan Didion, who said something similar), I'm sitting down to write out some of our choices to try to figure out what I think.
The choice at hand is whether to request to retire from the military or to request a new duty station. We have to let the detailer know in just a few days. Then, depending on the answer to that question, we have the corollary question of where to go and what to do. If we stay in the Navy, our options include Japan, (I think Yokosuka, but I'm actually not sure), Naples, Italy, Port Hueneme, CA, (Same place we lived before San Diego, but different command), maybe (long shot request) stay in San Diego, or Washington, DC (not really interested in this option). All of these places would be command jobs that would be great career building opportunities for my husband overseeing Navy public works and construction projects in different regions, except the long shot possibility of staying in the same job here for one more year since we'll have a child who will be a senior in high school when the current tour is completed. (That would be that child's first choice.)
If my husband decides to retire from the Navy, we have another choice. He could seek another job in the private sector either working for a large institution like a university or hospital or for a city in their public works department or as a staff architect, or apply for a job working for a construction/design/build firm. In addition to the public works sector or in the building/construction industry, he could potentially look for something related to those fields or work for a company that does defense contracts. He has a lot of options; I'm not really worried about him getting a job, unless this coronavirus epidemic/pandemic really disrupts the economy longterm (this development might put a new twist on our choices if the crashing economy causes a hiring slowdown).
Additionally, we have to decide where to look for jobs. We'd like to live within a day's drive of our families, but that is a pretty large area - especially now that our own children are starting to fan out on their own. One child has a job lined up in Arizona. One child is likely staying in California for college; child 6 also loves California and doesn't want to leave. I've always daydreamed about living in a rural area, but my husband does not want to be a farmer, and he still needs to work for another 20-25 years, so I envision we'd look for a college town area - small but near all the conveniences, somewhere where we could live and work and go to a good church and good schools without spending too much time, if any, in the car. That's actually possible here, but finding a walkable city limits our choices quite a bit. (Or requires that we find a job that pays enough to allow us to buy a multi-million dollar home, like the ones here. In fact, we'd need several million here, as $1-2 million would only get us 1 or 2 bedrooms or a tear-down.) I don't want to live in a major metropolitan area like LA, DC, NYC, etc., but it would be nice to live near an airport where we could easily travel to see family/go to job sites (in the case of a construction firm).
So how to decide? For years - decades! - I have had in the back of my mind the idea that our Navy service is temporary duty, that it would come to an end sometime around this point in life, and we would begin our "real lives." My mom will laugh at that echo of my words to her and my dad when they dropped me off at college. Have I lived a practice life all my life? Maybe - all life is practice for Heaven, right? I've always choked up at that "Temporary Home" song by Carrie Underwood. I haven't held back from jumping in to activities and friendships and adventures and have perhaps become more outgoing because I knew these jobs were just for a couple of years - or now five years in San Diego. But now the option to make choices for a future that is 5 or 10 years long, or more, is open, and every day, a different consideration suggests itself.
First, the reasons we might choose to ask for another command tour: When else in our lives will we have the opportunity to live abroad? We loved our two years in Guam. Our family bonds were strengthened, and we learned how much we didn't know about the other side of the globe. Those two years were transformative in major and subtle ways. But our children who are still at home will be 15, 17 and 7. The seven year old is a great age for exploring Europe or the Far East. But the 15 and 17 year old are unhappy about making such a major shift in high school. I keep trying to convince them that they would be stronger for it, that being a global citizen for a couple of years would be an experience they will value forever. The kids have always dreaded moving, but then they have discovered friends and things to like about their new location. I like to think they are stronger for their experiences of transition, that they are less afraid of change and challenges. But would they rebel and crumple instead?
I know I romanticize life abroad. My attraction to the possibility is partly based on the stories of travel and site-seeing that our friends who are abroad now are sharing. I like travel. I like walking around new places. I like the idea of our kids being resilient global citizens. I was thinking about it again last week as I sat listening to Pico Iyer talk about living in Japan. Iyer was inspired by Thoreau to live simply and write about travel and experiencing exotic places that present new insights and connections to the human community. It made me want to live abroad. Other friends have talked highly of their time in Japan and Italy because the schools provide some unique opportunities for the kids, and the friendships forged there are especially strong.
If my husband decides to retire from the Navy, we have another choice. He could seek another job in the private sector either working for a large institution like a university or hospital or for a city in their public works department or as a staff architect, or apply for a job working for a construction/design/build firm. In addition to the public works sector or in the building/construction industry, he could potentially look for something related to those fields or work for a company that does defense contracts. He has a lot of options; I'm not really worried about him getting a job, unless this coronavirus epidemic/pandemic really disrupts the economy longterm (this development might put a new twist on our choices if the crashing economy causes a hiring slowdown).
Additionally, we have to decide where to look for jobs. We'd like to live within a day's drive of our families, but that is a pretty large area - especially now that our own children are starting to fan out on their own. One child has a job lined up in Arizona. One child is likely staying in California for college; child 6 also loves California and doesn't want to leave. I've always daydreamed about living in a rural area, but my husband does not want to be a farmer, and he still needs to work for another 20-25 years, so I envision we'd look for a college town area - small but near all the conveniences, somewhere where we could live and work and go to a good church and good schools without spending too much time, if any, in the car. That's actually possible here, but finding a walkable city limits our choices quite a bit. (Or requires that we find a job that pays enough to allow us to buy a multi-million dollar home, like the ones here. In fact, we'd need several million here, as $1-2 million would only get us 1 or 2 bedrooms or a tear-down.) I don't want to live in a major metropolitan area like LA, DC, NYC, etc., but it would be nice to live near an airport where we could easily travel to see family/go to job sites (in the case of a construction firm).
So how to decide? For years - decades! - I have had in the back of my mind the idea that our Navy service is temporary duty, that it would come to an end sometime around this point in life, and we would begin our "real lives." My mom will laugh at that echo of my words to her and my dad when they dropped me off at college. Have I lived a practice life all my life? Maybe - all life is practice for Heaven, right? I've always choked up at that "Temporary Home" song by Carrie Underwood. I haven't held back from jumping in to activities and friendships and adventures and have perhaps become more outgoing because I knew these jobs were just for a couple of years - or now five years in San Diego. But now the option to make choices for a future that is 5 or 10 years long, or more, is open, and every day, a different consideration suggests itself.
First, the reasons we might choose to ask for another command tour: When else in our lives will we have the opportunity to live abroad? We loved our two years in Guam. Our family bonds were strengthened, and we learned how much we didn't know about the other side of the globe. Those two years were transformative in major and subtle ways. But our children who are still at home will be 15, 17 and 7. The seven year old is a great age for exploring Europe or the Far East. But the 15 and 17 year old are unhappy about making such a major shift in high school. I keep trying to convince them that they would be stronger for it, that being a global citizen for a couple of years would be an experience they will value forever. The kids have always dreaded moving, but then they have discovered friends and things to like about their new location. I like to think they are stronger for their experiences of transition, that they are less afraid of change and challenges. But would they rebel and crumple instead?
I know I romanticize life abroad. My attraction to the possibility is partly based on the stories of travel and site-seeing that our friends who are abroad now are sharing. I like travel. I like walking around new places. I like the idea of our kids being resilient global citizens. I was thinking about it again last week as I sat listening to Pico Iyer talk about living in Japan. Iyer was inspired by Thoreau to live simply and write about travel and experiencing exotic places that present new insights and connections to the human community. It made me want to live abroad. Other friends have talked highly of their time in Japan and Italy because the schools provide some unique opportunities for the kids, and the friendships forged there are especially strong.
On the other hand, reading Wendell Berry and Thoreau, visiting my parents, and realizing our kids are moving out and on made me think maybe we need to put down roots so that they will come and visit us. Retire?
Conversely, reading Elephant and Piggie in Someone is Reading Us say "I have more to give!!!" echoes in my mind. I received a long text from a Navy friend thanking me for a book and game I sent because she is spending 30 days in the hospital waiting for a bone marrow transplant and updating me on her status (hanging in there). I am so grateful for these friendships we've made in different places. I wonder if we should stay in the Navy and create more wonderful connections like those we have made so far. Our children are moving on - so maybe we don't need roots? Stay Navy?
BUT we do still have a 5 - almost 6! - year old. I have always thought that I wanted to put down roots somewhere where the kids could run around outside and play in a woods and garden - maybe this last child will get that childhood? But she has no siblings to run and play with. Maybe we settle down and do foster care, an idea that is always echoing in the back of my mind because I admire the people who do it? And our parents are aging. They are all still healthy now, but the next two years could bring changes in their health. Retire?
BUT I also like the idea of being able to try new things, new ministries, new teaching opportunities, new hobbies, and of being able to leave behind obligations and drama when it's time to move - Stay Navy?
BUT I get frustrated with being a temporary contract worker, being an adjunct with no job stability. (My Nature Writing class didn't fill this quad, so I don't have a class for the next 8 weeks.) I think about potentially finishing my PhD at some point because I like reading and studying and discussing these ideas. I would like to have more time to write papers and go to conferences, maybe, instead of figuring out which dentist to visit or where to get my hair cut. I also like planting things and watching them grow. Retire?
But maybe I like the freedom of not having to work, of being free to spend time with our family, doing things I like to do. Am I motivated more by pride to work or because I like what I'm doing? Because my pay is almost inconsequential. Stay Navy and relieve the sense of needing to work?
AND there is the school/church piece - where will our faith grow stronger? Where will we be supported in raising our kids Catholic? Where will they be inspired to love God, their neighbor, and the world? To love life here on earth but to yearn for life in Heaven? I've felt frustrated here that our younger kids think we are "weird" for having a big family, for going to church on days that aren't Sunday, for making them go to events - which lately I haven't done a very good job of, because I get worn down by their complaints. This problem is one that may exist everywhere.
So I'm still stuck. I met with our priest to get some advice about discernment, and he gave me some suggestions for charting consolations and desolations. They are about equal each time I pretend we have made a decision for a day. And it is only partially my input that goes into this decision. My husband happens to be on a mini-deployment for all of Lent on the other side of the globe, so we can't sit around and talk about it like we need to. He is wearied by the distances caused by this particular job - but if he went back to the facilities command job, he would not have to travel much - and he would likely have to travel some for a civilian job. So travel is kind of an equalizer as well...
At the most basic level, I know we will be fine whatever we decide to do - our choices are between good things. And I know it all has a way of working out over time. For the last 24 years I have been daydreaming about getting out of the Navy, but now that the time has come, I am not so sure I'm ready to go! Two years no longer seems a long time. The human heart has ways the mind cannot understand... I came here kicking and screaming, and now I will be dragging my heels as we leave - as has been the case at pretty much every duty station. So I trust we'll find our niche wherever we end up. It's just so hard to decide!
4 comments:
Even choosing between two good options can be excruciating. I will pray that the discernment becomes easier for you.
We are in the middle of college pro/con lists here. I would really appreciate your thoughts. My oldest has been accepted to ND. He's toured campus, but planned to get a real feel for the students and school at the scholarship weekend, which has now been canceled. So he must choose between a full ride at a public university or a leap of faith (and money) for ND. As a parent, I lean toward free college, but he's more likely to be faithful and possibly marry a Catholic if he goes to ND. Any advice?
Hi Meredith - It is an excruciating thing that saying yes to one good thing means saying no to another! As far as colleges, we are biased. As alums, we were already partial to ND, but with 3 kids there and some outside scholarship aid, we are getting a great deal financially. That said, we are probably still paying more than what we would pay at a public school, but not a ton more, so finances were a wash in the decision making process. For us, the sense of community, access to sacraments, excellent departments across the disciplines (in the case of our kids who were undecided about majors, this was a consolation - one is getting dual degrees from College of Engineering (Mechanical) and College of Liberal Arts(Theology). He already has an engineering job lined up after he graduates in May.), caring faculty, and opportunities for extra-curricular interests were all positives for ND. Our 4th child did not get admitted, and she really wanted to stay in California anyway, where the number of Catholic colleges are limited, but right now she is leaning toward Pepperdine, which has a supportive Catholic presence on campus - and the local Catholic parish is right across the street. I know some public schools have great Newman Centers and/or FOCUS or other support networks for Catholic students. What does he want to study? If he is leaning toward a degree like business where networking is important, ND might have an advantage despite the cost. If the public university has a specialty program that ND doesn't have or specialize in (marine biology? education?), or if he wants to go into a field where debt would be difficult to pay off (the arts or education?), then the state school might make more sense. And the South Bend weather is a deterrent for some, although spring is beautiful. I'm sorry I'm not much help! We are in a holding pattern ourselves about whether to bring our kids back home or have them stay in South Bend until something more permanent about the semester is decided. Praying the virus is contained soon!
Thanks for your feedback. We just lack the perspective since we don't really know any alums. He will study engineering. He's lucky in that the free option does offera daily Mass, confession, and adoration on campus with a Dominican who is a former naval commander. So, pretty solid for a public school, but, not Notre Dame.
I'm praying for your discernment. It's hard when the options feel about equal on both sides, nothing to strongly swing you one way or the other. I hope whatever you decide you find peace.
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