More choices

I've written before about how terrible I am at making decisions. (**Just checked -- There are 15! posts about how bad I am at deciding - I haven't improved!)  Maybe as a child I was not an overthinker with decision paralysis, but the past few years (10+ according to my research on this blog) in particular have forced us to confront several big decisions that were taxing emotionally and physically:  Retirement, jobs, houses, colleges, cars, etc. Now I'm paralyzed by another job choice. I lay awake at night, and then I lie awake in the morning, and all I think is choice A or choice B? Or is there a choice C?

As soon as I make up my mind one direction, I question it. As past posts prove, I do this often, usually in relationship to making a big purchase like a house or a car, but often about jobs - and they have all worked out! I drive my husband crazy when I wiffle-waffle, so I try not to talk about it, and usually after a period of time I get over it or our life circumstances change, so it's not an issue any more. 

The choice I'm facing now is again about a job. On paper, we are blessed to be in a position where I don't have to be compelled to work financially, but future financial decisions loom: more college bills and retirement costs ahead. So I have been thinking now is the time I go to work fulltime. I've applied to a few jobs - advising at the community college, teaching grade school, teaching high school, and another staff position at the community college. I have one offer. 

But if I say yes, it means that I have to give up my various adjunct jobs. On the one hand, I have long complained I make too little money and work too hard at adjuncting. On the other hand, I love walking onto campus and working with students and planning the lessons, and I'm finally getting to know some of my coworkers. 

I also keep thinking about going back to school. This is a pipe dream. It is not practical. It would be a lot of work and potentially costly.  It would take several years.  Even the application is hard, which I would work on this summer and fall for admission for fall 2024. And my track record with being a consistent writer is sketchy at best. The goal would be to move from part time to full time at the community college or elsewhere and contribute to scholarship. The reality is I would still be an adjunct when I finish, and any scholarly pieces I would write would impact a small group of people, if any.

And I just turned 50 last week. Getting older. 

So do I do the practical thing and contribute to our family finances -  the work would also be rewarding - or do I try for the pipe dream one last time while continuing to teach ESL and composition and literature and tutor? 

I do feel like the work I do currently is meaningful. My adult ESL learners were an awesome bunch this semester, and they were so, so kind at the end of the year with their gratitude. I admire the work of the organization (in addition to the community college) that supports their learning with wrap around services. 

I also know the work of teaching primary or secondary students would be rewarding, although also difficult and time consuming.

Another factor contributing to my decision is that this coming year is my sixth child's last year of high school. If I take a full time position, it will be a lot harder to take her on college visits, to help her with her college essays, and to be present for her in this last year - although past experience shows that seniors aren't hanging around the house all that much.

Many mothers work full time while being present and committed parents, but I am grateful I was able to stay home so many years, even though it was hard and often boring and frustrating. With fondness I remember those years I spent home with the kids, first schooling them and then supporting them while they went to school. I will still have another child at home for 8 more years after #6 graduates. But this last child is doing great in school, and we are happy with her school, so I don't see a return to home schooling for this child, who already is lonely for her siblings. 

My heart is leaning toward declining the job offer, sticking with the status quo, applying to grad school, and re-evaluating next spring. My mercenary side is calculating the money I am saying no to if I decline. My altruistic side is tempted to say yes to a position which really needs to be filled.  Saying yes would alleviate the pressure on some people who are working overtime right now. I like to be helper, especially where there is a need. Adjuncts are pretty easy to replace.  

I've consulted friends and family, and so far the results are mixed - half say go for it! The other half say run away!

So help me out by voting A : saying yes to new full time job that isn't exactly the job I would pick, and would be a job I might want to transition out of in a year or two,

or B: sticking with what I'm doing now while trying to fulfill a dream.

Or suggest an option C... is there a media via? 

*** I have prayed about this. I've tried the advice our pastor gave us a couple years ago about the Ignatian practice of making a chart with values and inclinations.  I'd love for God to speak clearly. Pentecost Sunday's readings and homily about peace, peace, peace reminded me that my present decision doesn't really matter all that much - as long as I do whatever I do with love and without anxiety.  Those past decisions all worked out just fine. So I really should continue to pray echoing St. Julian: all will be well, all will be well, all will be well.